What Is Vulnerability, and Why Does It Matter in Love?
QUICK ANSWER
Vulnerability means freely expressing your feelings, thoughts, desires, and opinions, even at the risk of feeling rejected. It is the only way to truly connect to another human. When you learn to manage feelings of rejection, being vulnerable gets easier, and it will transform your relationships.
What is vulnerability, and why does it matter? Vulnerability means freely expressing your feelings, thoughts, desires, and opinions, even at the risk of feeling rejected. It means showing your whole self, the real you. It is the only way to truly connect to another human, and connecting feels good. Learning this skill is at the heart of healthy communication.
To be vulnerable, you must be prepared to accept that you might end up feeling rejected. If you can learn how to manage feelings of rejection, you will not feel the need to spend so much energy trying to avoid rejection. This will make it easier to be vulnerable. It feels better to use your authentic self to be connected than it does to hide yourself for the purpose of being liked. You do not need to be perfect to connect with others, you just need to be real. As Robert Glover put it, humans are attracted to each other's rough edges.
What gets in the way of being vulnerable?
If you were raised in an environment in which vulnerability was shamed or punished, you will understandably not want to go there. If you were raised in an environment in which you witnessed inappropriate vulnerability, or oversharing, you will see vulnerability as something shameful or overwhelming, and will avoid it. If you were raised in an environment without space and opportunity to be vulnerable, or if your vulnerability was ignored, you probably will not even know how to be vulnerable. All of these blocks can be overcome with therapy or self help strategies, practice, commitment, and a willingness to start taking risks.
How do you actually do it?
It is as simple as sharing your experience. Here are some examples:
- Sharing your deepest fears and desires.
- Saying no when you do not want to do something.
- Setting clear boundaries.
- Admitting you are bad at something, and owning when you are good at something.
- Sharing your opinions, or saying something you think is funny.
- Sharing that you are unsure of what you think or feel. In this case the vulnerability is the fact that you are unsure.
- Sharing when you feel insecure or afraid.
- Taking responsibility instead of blaming others.
- Sharing your feelings of respect, admiration, love, or attraction.
- Sharing that you feel uncomfortable when someone says or does certain things.
How do you stay safe while being vulnerable?
Some people get extremely anxious and overwhelmed by rejection. If this is the case, you can take good care of yourself by starting slow. Maybe set a goal to be vulnerable once a day, or start by choosing to be vulnerable in an area where the risks are lower. Come up with strategies to help yourself with any feelings of rejection which may arise. These could be breathing techniques, asking for support from a loved one, exercise, journaling, or any other form of emotional regulation. As you build confidence, your capacity to be vulnerable will increase.
Also, there is a difference between rejection and the reality that another person cannot treat your vulnerability with care. If a person responds, or you can reasonably expect that they will respond, to your vulnerability by ridiculing you, humiliating you, attacking you, or shaming you, that person is not emotionally safe. Taking a risk of being rejected is one thing. Setting yourself up for being shamed is another, and it is okay to protect yourself from that. Sometimes you do not know until you try.
What vulnerability is not
Emotional outbursts are not the same as vulnerability. True vulnerability is when a person puts words to their inner experiences and shares the words with another. Emotional outbursts happen when a person is not able to manage their emotions. They can include angry tirades, venting in a way that does not take into account the other person's needs, expecting a certain response, and unfairly blaming the other person for how you feel. Crying is also not vulnerability in and of itself. Sometimes crying is more of an emotional outburst, and sometimes crying is vulnerability, especially when there are words put to the experience.
Vulnerability should also never be used to manipulate. Think of it as a way to create the right conditions for connection, not as a way to get connection from another person. It should never be used to control or coerce someone into opening up, or as a tool to get sex, business, or favors. Used correctly, vulnerability creates the right conditions for intimacy and connection, but it cannot make it happen. The other person must be a willing participant.
Lastly, vulnerability is both a skill and an art form. It takes practice, trial and error, and the ability to manage feelings of real or perceived rejection to get really good at it. It is not easy, but it does get easier over time. Julie Menanno's book Secure Love offers more guidance. If you put in the effort, someday it will become like second nature.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is crying the same as vulnerability?
Not always. Crying is vulnerability when there are words put to the experience. Sometimes crying is more of an emotional outburst rather than a shared inner experience.
What if my vulnerability is met with ridicule?
That person is not emotionally safe. There is a difference between risking rejection and setting yourself up to be shamed, and it is okay to protect yourself from the latter.
How do I start if vulnerability feels overwhelming?
Start slow. Set a goal to be vulnerable once a day, begin in lower risk areas, and use regulation strategies like breathing, journaling, or support from a loved one to manage any rejection feelings that arise.
Wondering how your attachment style shapes your comfort with vulnerability?