The Secure Relationship Group

In this week’s group, I dove into identity loss in relationships and how we can slowly disappear in the service of “keeping the connection safe.” If you have ever felt like you’ve become a quieter version of yourself, edited your needs, or organized your whole life around keeping the relationship stable, this session will land.

We talked about how shame and early attachment learning can wire the nervous system to prioritize safety over authenticity, and why that strategy can feel protective in the short term but quietly blocks the closeness you are actually longing for. You will also hear how identity loss fuels hypervigilance, anxiety, and negative cycles, even when your partner is not asking you to shrink.

A portion of the meeting focused on the difference between denying your needs to keep the peace versus owning your needs while recognizing a partner may not be able to meet them.

• Individual Exercise

• How To Rebuild Your Identity

• Couple’s Exercise

In this week’s group, I talked about what self-love actually means through an attachment lens. Not confidence or positivity, but the ability to stay with yourself when emotions become uncomfortable. As you watch the recording, you’ll hear how self-abandonment and self-protection develop, how they tend to show up differently for anxious and avoidant attachment, and why both are rooted in the same need for safety. I walk you through practical ways to notice when you move away from your feelings, identify the fear underneath, and respond with care instead of criticism. We also work with shame and the inner critic as protective responses rather than problems to eliminate. If you struggle to stay connected to yourself when you’re triggered or rely on your partner to regulate what feels overwhelming inside, this session will help you build emotional safety from the inside out.

Most couples believe that if they could just get on the same page, their conflicts would finally settle down. The problem is that agreement alone does not guarantee connection. You can agree and still feel unseen. You can disagree and stay deeply bonded.

In this meeting, Emotional Safety vs. Agreement, we will look at conflict through an emotional safety lens. We will explore what emotional safety actually feels like, what happens in the nervous system when safety drops, and how negative cycles begin when you and your partner stop feeling safe with each other.

You will learn:

• The difference between emotional safety and agreement

• How your nervous system reacts during conflict

• How to recognize when safety has dropped between you

• Emotional safety scripts you can use in real time

• What to say less of and what to say more of when you want connection

• How to repair after a moment where safety went missing

Thank you for doing this work with me and for your courage in looking at your patterns with honesty and compassion.

If you’ve ever wondered why your attachment style feels different in various relationships or why emotional work can feel overwhelming, this session will help you understand those shifts and guide you toward greater self-compassion and awareness.

If you’ve ever found yourself chasing a partner who pulls away, or needing space from someone who seems to need more from you than you can give, this session will help you understand what’s really happening beneath the surface.

Julie breaks down how these two attachment styles are both reacting to the same fear — losing connection — but in completely opposite ways. The anxious partner’s pursuit and the avoidant partner’s withdrawal are both coping mechanisms meant to protect the self from pain, yet they often create the very disconnection both fear most.

From “narcissist” and “codependent” to “avoidant” and “anxious,” we often rely on these words to make sense of behavior in relationships. But as Julie explains, every label ultimately points back to one thing: attachment.

If you’ve ever wondered whether labeling your partner or yourself helps or hurts your growth, this session will help you see how attachment theory offers a more compassionate, accurate lens. You’ll walk away with a clearer understanding of what’s really happening underneath the labels we use every day.

In this week’s group, Julie hosted an open Q&A, giving members the chance to bring forward the struggles most alive in their relationships right now. The questions ranged widely, but all carried a common thread: how attachment dynamics show up in everyday moments of disconnection.

Julie answered questions about avoidant partners and intimacy, the pull to catastrophize when disconnection happens, and how to approach recurring bedroom struggles without falling into blame or shutdown. She also addressed how partners can recognize when fears from the past are fueling present-day conflicts, and what to do when one person is reaching for closeness but the other feels overwhelmed.

If you’ve ever felt unsure how to navigate your partner’s distance, struggled to bring up sensitive topics without escalating conflict, or wondered why the same fears keep surfacing in your negative cycles, this session will give you fresh perspective and practical tools.

We often think of love as holding on, but sometimes the most loving thing we can do is step back—not with anger or punishment, but with compassion, clarity, and boundaries.

We talked about how to recognize when detachment may be needed, especially when your partner isn’t able to emotionally show up in the way you need. I explained the difference between healthy detachment and preoccupation, and why detachment isn’t about shutting down or giving up—it’s about protecting your peace of mind, giving up the illusion of control, and staying rooted in your own security.

We also looked at the surprising gifts of detachment: how it can help you focus on self-care, open space for more honest connection, and even deepen your capacity to love. If you’ve ever felt caught between holding on and letting go, this session will guide you toward a more grounded, compassionate path forward.

If you missed it live, I encourage you to watch the replay.

We’ve all had those moments where a simple disagreement spirals into the same painful fight you’ve had a hundred times before. In this session, I’ll walk you through how to escape those negative cycles—what to do before the conversation, how to stay connected during a hard moment, and the steps to take after when repair is needed.

In this session, Julie dives into what it really means to create and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationship. She explains how boundaries are not about building walls, but about protecting your well-being while staying connected to your partner. You’ll hear practical examples of where couples often blur the line between closeness and overreach, and how to communicate limits in a way that strengthens, rather than weakens, the bond. Julie also answers member questions on how to set boundaries when your partner struggles with them, how to know when you’re overstepping theirs, and how boundaries connect to secure attachment.

In this session, Julie explores how anger and resentment can quietly block progress in relationships, even when both partners are doing their best to stay connected. She talks about how anger often goes unacknowledged, how it can become stuck in the body, and how it sometimes masks deeper emotions like grief, fear, or shame.

You’ll learn how to recognize the signs that unresolved anger is showing up in your relationship, what anger is actually trying to communicate, and how to work with it in a way that supports healing. Julie also talks about how different attachment styles tend to experience and express anger, and how couples can begin to hear and validate each other when anger comes up.

This conversation includes self-work, relationship work, and real-time questions from group members who are working through anger in their own relationships. Julie also shares more about her new self-paced course on experiential self-work.

In this session, Julie explored an emotional block - disgust. She unpacks how emotional disgust develops from early messages about which feelings are acceptable, and how it can silently undermine our ability to connect with ourselves and our partners. Whether it shows up as a shutdown response to a crying partner, a cringe at your own vulnerability, or a tendency to label certain feelings as “too much,” emotional disgust can disrupt communication, intimacy, and authenticity.

Julie shares tools for identifying this internal response, examining where it originated, and beginning the process of re-patterning. The session also includes two powerful live discussions—one on how disgust shows up in sexual intimacy after trauma, and another about supporting a partner who shuts down around emotions. If you’ve ever wondered why it’s hard to “sit with” emotions this conversation will help make sense of it.

In this session, Julie walks us straight into the heart of relationship grief—the unspoken losses that keep even the most motivated couples stuck in the same fight. She breaks down how broken trust, dashed hopes, and “lost years” silently fuel anger, anxiety, and shutdowns, then shows you how to name those hurts, feel them together, and finally lay them to rest. You’ll see live coaching moments where partners practice holding space for each other’s pain without slipping back into blame or self-defense, plus step-by-step prompts for talking through grief in real life. If you’ve ever wondered why your new skills still get hijacked by old wounds, this replay is your roadmap out of the fog and back into secure connection.

In this meeing Julie zeroed in on why couples get trapped in the same looping arguments and what it takes to break free. She starts by naming the chronic negative cycle—those predictable bursts of blaming, shutdown, and defending that leave partners feeling unheard and unsafe—and explains how, over time, the cycle corrodes trust and fuels resentment. From there she dove beneath the surface, showing how unrepaired attachment wounds and unmet needs for emotional safety keep the pattern alive. Julie models the practice of slowing it down: mapping each partner’s triggers, putting words to the raw emotions underneath the protest, and taking turns “wearing the needing hat” versus the “meeting-needs hat.” Throughout the hour she fields real-time questions, offering gentle but direct scripts for partners who resist vulnerability (“Help me understand what feels risky here…”) and practical moves for shifting from reactive to responsive—think pausing to breathe, naming the fear, and reaching instead of attacking or withdrawing. If you’re tired of spinning your wheels and want to see concrete examples of how to move from stuck to secure, cue up the replay and follow along as Julie guides the group step-by-step.

In this session, Julie unpacks “Negative Cycles”—the hidden loop that starts with a quick ouch inside one partner and tumbles into protest or shut-down before anyone realizes what’s happening. Julie maps the flow from Trigger → Primary Hurt → Protect Move on screen and shows how it can sound like raised voices, icy silence, score-keeping, or a sudden exit.

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “How are we back here again?” this replay offers the language to name your cycle, a simple turn-toward check-in to slow it down, and fresh hope for turning the pattern into a place of teamwork rather than tug-of-war.

Anatomy of a Trigger Worksheet

Negative Cycle Worksheet

In this session, we explore what it really means to “expect too much” in a relationship. Julie talks about how sometimes, without realizing it, we lean too heavily on our partner to manage emotions we haven’t yet learned to hold ourselves. This can show up as constant venting, needing endless reassurance, or expecting our partner to join us in unhealthy ways of coping.... like over controlling, avoiding, or shutting down.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in repeating patterns, unsure of where the line is between asking for support and over relying on your partner, this conversation will help you make sense of it.

In this session, Julie explores the often unspoken question: Am I carrying too much of the emotional weight in my relationship? She breaks down what emotional work really means—offering support, creating space for connection, showing vulnerability—and helps you identify when it starts to feel one-sided or unsustainable.

Julie guides you through why these patterns develop, what they might be protecting, and how to begin shifting out of them. Whether you tend to over-function or struggle to engage emotionally, this conversation offers a clear, grounded path toward more balance, clarity, and connection.

In this meeting, Julie dives into the crucial role of emotional safety and communication during disagreements. She highlights how it's not the disagreement itself, but how couples handle it that truly matters. Learn how being open, curious, and validating each other's emotions can help maintain a safe space for constructive conversations.

Julie also explores how small arguments often mask deeper emotional needs, like wanting to feel heard or valued. She addresses how different attachment styles (anxious versus avoidant) can influence communication and encourages couples to better understand each other’s emotional needs.

Julie walks through a framework she uses with couples, illustrating how unresolved emotions, personal wounds, and attachment insecurities impact communication and relationship dynamics. She emphasizes the necessity of emotional awareness, healthy assertion, and processing difficult feelings rather than avoiding or acting out on them.

For those interested in learning how to navigate emotional wounds, assert boundaries, and cultivate healthier relationship dynamics, this session provides valuable insights and practical tools.

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If you’ve ever wondered about the difference between secure attachment and codependency, this recording clears it up. Julie explains how codependency isn’t just about being too close—it’s about losing your sense of self in a relationship. She breaks down how both anxious and avoidant attachment styles can lead to codependent behaviors and how they impact negative cycles.

In this session, Julie broke down how to manage emotional triggers and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. Julie shared practical steps to slow down, tune into your body, and understand the root of your emotions. You’ll learn how to reframe situations, self-regulate, and find solutions that strengthen your relationships instead of staying stuck in negative cycles. It’s all about progress, not perfection… every small step counts.

Feedback Script

A: “I want to give you some feedback and I want it to work.”

B: “Oh, that is scary, and I want it. You usually have really good insights and I want that.

I’ll just listen without agreeing or disagreeing and just take it all in.
I might have questions to clarify.

Let’s hear your feedback.”

Then “A” shares the feedback, with kindness.

B: “Thank you — it’s a risk to bring things like this. I really value you bringing it to me.”

“B” writes the feedback down once we have come clear, to review it in a private, quiet space.

We close by expressing gratitude for getting to safely share and receive.

Needs Script

A: “I have a need and I need a listening.”

B: “Great. Thanks for telling me. It’s important for me to know this. It’s important to me your needs get met.

I’m reminding myself that my needs can get met as well as everyone else’s. Let’s hear your need.”

Then: “A” shares the need. “B” reflects.

B: “Ok, what I’m hearing is that this is the need _____, these are the factors ______, these are the perceived barriers ________.”

Once the NEED is clear, we might take a break, then come back later to discuss actions or solutions.

In this session, Julie discusses why vulnerability often feels unsafe for some individuals and how it impacts relationships. She explains that while vulnerability is essential for connection and resolving conflict, many avoid it due to shame, fear of emotional overwhelm, or a lack of skills to process and communicate feelings. Suppressing emotions may seem protective but ultimately blocks deeper connection.

This meeting was a Q&A session where participants had the opportunity to ask Julie questions about their personal relationship challenges and attachment dynamics.

In this session, Julie Menanno introduces the concept of "piling it on" in relationships, a behavior where one partner brings up multiple concerns or past grievances in response to a single issue or moment of vulnerability. This often happens when a partner (Partner A) doubts they will be truly heard, fears that change won't occur, or feels compelled to seize a rare moment of receptiveness from their partner (Partner B). Julie explains that "piling it on" frequently stems from mistrust, unresolved past experiences, or habitual communication patterns, often driven by emotional dysregulation. She discusses how this behavior can negatively impact both partners: Partner B may feel demoralized and disengaged, while Partner A struggles to trust, connect, or fully accept apologies or validations.

Julie explores strategies to address this dynamic, such as creating regular safe spaces for communication, learning to give time and space for resolution, and addressing underlying issues like past traumas or patterns of mistrust.

In this session, Julie Menanno discusses ways to improve communication in relationships to avoid negative cycles and create an "attachment-friendly" environment. She begins with a review of the "negative cycle" concept, where surface issues like money, parenting, or household chores lead to deeper, unmet attachment needs when communication becomes unsafe or defensive. This can trigger protective responses like anger or withdrawal, which escalate the cycle of disconnection.

Julie emphasizes the importance of using validating, non-shaming language to prevent this cycle and promote closeness. She introduces strategies to foster attachment safety, encouraging couples to avoid reactive patterns by validating each other's perspectives and striving for mutual understanding. Even if one partner initially leads the way, consistency and "planting seeds" of new communication habits can gradually foster trust and connection.

She further explains the concept of "positive communication cycles," where instead of avoiding issues, couples actively meet each other's attachment needs through empathetic listening, gentle language, and vulnerability. Rather than blaming or criticizing, Julie suggests using "I" statements and validating each other’s feelings, even if issues like minor frustrations arise, as with her humorous "cheese example."

In this session, Julie Menanno discussed the concept of the "negative cycle" in relationships, explaining how small triggers can spiral into recurring, unresolved conflicts. She emphasized that when a partner feels triggered, they often react in ways that lead to protective or defensive responses from the other partner, creating a cycle of unmet emotional needs and ineffective communication.

Julie shared that these conflicts are rarely about surface issues alone; instead, they often reflect deeper attachment needs and fears. She highlighted the importance of understanding and slowing down our reactions, as our bodies can respond within a fraction of a second, often without conscious thought. To illustrate, she described a fictional couple, Talia and Jaden, who struggle with trust and communication issues, especially when Jaden spends time with his friends, which triggers Talia's insecurities rooted in past betrayals. Their exchanges reveal unmet needs: Talia desires security and assurance, while Jaden feels caught between his commitment to her and his need for independence.

Julie encouraged participants to shift from reactive communication, which typically exacerbates issues, to a more vulnerable, attachment-friendly dialogue. She suggested that by recognizing and discussing the root of their triggers, couples could move toward healthier, more connected exchanges and resolve their core attachment needs, ultimately reducing the frequency and intensity of their conflicts.

Resources:

• https://www.amazon.com/shop/thesecurerelationship/list/2U0GXK1O2M9Q?ref_=cm_sw_r_cp_ud_aipsflist_T454WNV15TE888CCRWX5_1

  • https://bookshop.org/p/books/every-family-has-a-story-how-we-inherit-love-and-loss-julia-samuel/18378436?ean=9780385684392

  • https://bookshop.org/p/books/scattered-minds-the-origins-and-healing-of-attention-deficit-disorder-gabor-mate/19053261?aid=89480&ean=9780593714379&listref=suggested-reads&

  • https://bookshop.org/p/books/good-inside-a-guide-to-becoming-the-parent-you-want-to-be-becky-kennedy/17818852?aid=89480&ean=9780063159488&listref=suggested-reads

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In this meeting, Julie Menanno discusses the topic "Seeing the Value in Your Moves and Your Partner's Moves," focusing on the defensive behaviors couples use in negative relationship cycles. These "moves," while often harmful, are protective strategies to avoid pain like disconnection or shame. Julie explains that these behaviors stem from a lack of alternative ways to stay safe or express needs and provides examples such as protesting, defensiveness, and shutting down.

The presentation emphasizes that while these negative moves don't work, they have underlying value as they signal unmet needs, such as wanting to feel heard, appreciated, or understood. Julie encourages participants to move away from shaming these behaviors and instead, confront and understand them. She discusses the importance of replacing these moves with vulnerability and healthy assertion, where partners openly express their feelings and respond positively to each other’s vulnerability.

If you're interested in how to recognize these patterns in your own relationships and learn strategies for healthier communication, this recording is insightful and offers practical advice for building stronger connections.

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