Your Part of Relationship Problems: What You Might Be Missing
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Even when your partner is genuinely contributing to relationship problems, you likely have a part too. Common blind spots include inner conflict about what you deserve, relying on protest to motivate your partner, appeasing and people-pleasing, overly blaming your partner, and overly blaming yourself. Owning your part is what frees you to change it.
When a relationship feels stuck, it's natural to focus on what your partner is doing wrong. But there is almost always a part that is yours to own. Here are five patterns you might be missing, and the work each one points to. This is central to breaking a negative cycle.
Do you have inner conflict about what you deserve?
You might have a part of yourself that questions whether you deserve things you desire, like emotional connection and healthy communication. There might be a part of you that doesn't believe you deserve to stand up for your needs, or that your needs are too much. At the same time, your nervous system intuitively knows you deserve to have met needs. This inner conflict might block your willingness to stand up for your needs assertively, and cause you to alternate between pushing your needs down and expressing them reactively. Even if your partner isn't showing up for you, you're also not showing up for yourself, and your reactivity contributes to the problems too. Your work is to get clear about your needs and take ownership for them. Resolving inner conflict is regulating and helps you advocate assertively instead of reactively.
Do you rely on protest to motivate your partner?
You might find that when you get escalated, blaming, or critical, your partner is more likely to respond than when you communicate gently. This makes sense, because some response can feel better than none. The problem is that it might work in the short term but reinforces an exhausting, unsustainable pattern, what Julie calls a protest-based economy. Your work is to recognize that chronically getting upset is not a viable solution, no matter how awful your partner's behavior might be. Yes, your partner is responsible for their part, but the only way to have a healthy relationship that doesn't run on a protest economy is to stop protesting and go from there. If that doesn't work, at least you'll know the first thing that needs to change is getting healthy reaches responded to.
Are you appeasing and people-pleasing?
Appeasing and people-pleasing aren't always obvious problems, but if they reinforce your partner's unhealthy behavior, they hold your relationship back. If your partner regularly demands you do things their way and you don't confront it in order to avoid conflict, you're at risk of developing resentment, which creates all sorts of issues. Then you might make sense of it as "my partner is too demanding," and while that might be true, you haven't given the situation a fair shot by standing up for yourself. That might sound like, "I know your way is important to you, but sometimes my way is just as important to me. To feel safe and close to you, I need to know there's space for me too." Partners who find safety in rigidity might need several repeated interactions to know you're serious.
Are you overly blaming your partner?
When you're unhappy and still feel stuck despite your efforts, it can be easy to conclude, "I'm doing all I can, so it must be my partner." You might be right. Or staying in blame might be safe for you, a way to not feel confused, or to avoid facing your own shortcomings or shame. You may have been so victimized in the past that it's hard to see yourself outside that role. Letting go of blame doesn't mean letting your partner off the hook. The vast majority of the time, both partners contribute to problems. But it's healthy to ask whether blame is a safe place for you, and if so, whether it could be holding you back from changing your part.
Are you overly blaming yourself?
You might find safety in overly blaming yourself. This can give you a sense of control: "If I'm the problem, I can change myself and everything will be okay." But it can keep you from being assertive or holding your partner accountable. You might tell yourself that since you mess up too, it's not fair to have expectations of your partner, or buy into comments like "you're not perfect either." The truth is, even if you mess up, you still deserve to advocate for your needs. So does your partner. Both are true. When you bring up a concern, you might lead with, "I know I'm not perfect either and I'm happy to talk about my part too, but right now I really want to stick with this concern I'm bringing up."
Frequently Asked Questions
Does owning my part mean the problems are my fault?
No. Most of the time both partners contribute. Owning your part doesn't let your partner off the hook, it simply frees you to change the piece that's actually within your control.
What is a protest-based economy?
It's a pattern where getting escalated or critical is the main way you get a response from your partner. It can work short term, but it reinforces an exhausting, unsustainable cycle.
Where can I learn to map my own part?
Julie's course on mapping your negative cycle helps you see your role and your partner's clearly.
Not sure where you land? Start with your attachment style.