What Are Attachment Ruptures?
Attachment Needs, Relationship Ruptures, and Repair
Humans are wired to connect. Humans in romantic relationships feel an intense need to stay emotionally safe with each other. We are emotionally safe when our attachment needs are met.
Think of met attachment needs as the “wires” which maintain the connection between partners.
Let’s take two attachment needs as an example: the need to “know I am valuable to you,” and the need to “know I’m appreciated by you.” When these attachment needs are met, the wires are intact. All is well.
I know you appreciate me.
I know I’m valuable to you.
When there is a relationship rupture, an attachment need is unmet and a wire gets broken. This creates a state of emotional unsafety. This might show up as a fight or tension in the air. To get back to safety, there needs to be a repair.
“I don’t know that you appreciate me right now.”
“You never keep your side of the counter clean!”
To make a repair, partners first need to talk about the rupture in a healthy way.
“When there’s criticism coming at me like that, I don’t know if you appreciate me as a partner and then I feel really anxious, sad and frustrated.”
Then partners need to respond to each other in a healthy way.
“That makes a lot of sense and I can see how I delivered my concern as a criticism. I’m going to work on my delivery so you know you’re appreciated and so you can better hear me.”
Now I know I’m appreciated again. All is well. When I’m safe, I’m more open to empathy and hearing.
Ruptures are normal. When partners repair ruptures along the way, the relationship thrives.
“We aren’t perfect, but we know how to repair along the way and that keeps us strong.”
Couples get stuck when they go into a negative cycle when they try to talk about the rupture.
“If I’m so bad why are you even with me?”
“I didn’t say you’re bad! Why can’t you just listen for once?”
When couples have been in a negative cycle for a long time and have many built up ruptures, they can benefit from working with a professional to help them heal.
“We love each other but we feel stuck and don’t know how to get unstuck on our own.”
Repair helps partners better communicate so they can learn to make repairs along the way.
Related Resources
Secure Love Book
Secure Love helps readers understand how attachment needs, ruptures, and repair show up in real relationships. This is a helpful next step if you want to understand why the same fight keeps happening and how secure partners learn to reconnect.
The Secure Love Podcast
The Secure Love Podcast gives real-time examples of couples working through negative cycles, attachment ruptures, and repair conversations. Listening can help you hear what healthy repair sounds like in practice.
Individual & Couples Coaching
Coaching can help you and your partner identify the attachment needs underneath conflict, understand your negative cycle, and practice more secure ways of reaching and responding.
Attachment 101 Course
Attachment 101 can help you better understand your attachment style, your emotional patterns, and the needs that may be getting activated during conflict. It also includes the Attachment Style Quiz.
Understanding Shame Workshop
Shame often gets activated during ruptures and can make repair harder. This workshop can help you understand why defensiveness, withdrawal, criticism, or self-blame may show up when attachment needs are unmet.
