Attachment Needs: The List, and Why Yours Go Unmet
QUICK ANSWER
Attachment needs are fairly consistent from couple to couple, although different partners might be more sensitive to particular attachment needs when they go unmet. Met attachment needs are the difference between insecure attachment and secure attachment.
The following is an excerpt from Secure Love, by Julie Menanno.
Are attachment needs the same for everyone?
Attachment needs are fairly consistent from couple to couple, although different partners might be more sensitive to particular attachment needs when they go unmet. If you have an anxious attachment you might be more sensitive to invalidation because you didn't get enough of it during childhood. If you have an avoidant attachment you might be more focused on being seen as successful (in the eyes of your partner), because that's how you grew up feeling worthy. Some partners have a harder time trusting because their caretakers often weren't safe, while others are more in touch with their whole selves and thus have access to a broader range of attachment needs.
What are the attachment needs?
The following is a list of various attachment needs. In order to understand your needs, I like to use the phrase, "To feel close to you, I need...."
- to know you value me
- to know you appreciate me
- to know my needs as an individual matter to you
- to know you can understand me
- to know my feelings are valid to you
- to know you want me
- to know you respect me
- to know you trust me
- to know I can trust you
- to know you'll respond to me when I need you and when I reach for you (most of the time)
- to know I can get it right in your eyes
- to know you see me as a successful partner
What's the difference between met and unmet attachment needs?
When both partners' attachment needs are met and they trust they'll be met in the future, they have a secure attachment. Conversely, when their needs aren't met, and they can't be sure they'll be met in the future, they have an insecure attachment. Having met attachment needs is ultimately what drives us to feel loved and worthy by our partners. Met attachment needs are the difference between insecure attachment and secure attachment.
Do needs have to be met in every moment?
Aspire to met attachment needs as an overall climate in the relationship. For example, your partner needs to know that, as a whole, you appreciate them. When something happens and they don't feel appreciated, this is a rupture that will need to be repaired. Ruptures are like periods of bad weather. When couples can repair ruptures, they're able to go back to their overall climate of met attachment needs.
Why do attachment needs go unmet?
Attachment needs can go unmet for different reasons. If you don't feel appreciated, the question is "what might you be doing or saying to contribute to your partner's lack of appreciation of you?" and "what might your partner be doing or saying to contribute to their lack of appreciation of you?" Most often, it's some of both: each partner is contributing to the unmet need.
When exploring an unmet need, it's important to consider not only what your partner is doing to block the need, but to self-reflect on your own contribution. Sometimes an unmet need is a misperception, a communication break-down. When you're able to get to the root cause of the unmet need, you'll know how to repair and move on. More on this is on the needs and boundaries hub.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I name an attachment need?
Use the phrase "To feel close to you, I need...." and fill in the rest, for example "to know you appreciate me" or "to know my feelings are valid to you."
What is a rupture?
When something happens and your partner doesn't feel appreciated, that's a rupture that needs repair. Ruptures are like periods of bad weather. When couples repair them, they go back to their overall climate of met attachment needs.
Whose fault is an unmet need?
Most often it's some of both. Each partner is contributing to the unmet need, and sometimes an unmet need is a misperception or a communication break-down.
Find out which attachment needs you're most sensitive to.