To Be Known: The Heart of Real Intimacy in Love
QUICK ANSWER
Real intimacy is being truly known. People who truly want all of you will want to know your inner world, not just how you look, what you accomplish, or how much you have in common. They want to know your feelings, your history, and what moves you, and they want to be known in return.
Many of us learned to present the polished outside version of ourselves. But deep connection asks for something more, to be seen and known all the way through. Here is what that looks like.
What does it mean to be truly wanted?
People who truly want all of you will want to connect with you. They will want to know all of you. They will like you for more than just how you look, how successful you are, how well you cook, how organized you are, how smart, passionate, principled, stable, or funny you are, or what you can do for them. They will appreciate more than just how much you have in common or how much you enjoy the same activities. All of these things matter, and there is nothing wrong with appreciating them. Relationships need a handful of these things to work. But there is so much more.
What do they actually want to know?
When a person wants to see and know all of you, they will want to know more than what you show on the outside. They will want to know:
- What makes you happy, sad, scared, embarrassed, disgusted, and excited.
- When you feel small and when you feel big, without judging your inner world.
- What your tears are saying when you cry, and how their words impact you.
- Your ideas and opinions, even when they see it differently.
- The deeper feelings underneath your anger when your coworker makes you mad.
- What makes you feel overwhelmed, and the times you feel empathic and the times you feel cold-hearted.
- Stories about your childhood and how your past, both good and bad, has affected you.
- Your favorite movies and why, and why the music you listened to at fifteen was so powerful.
Is this something you can learn?
They will also want to share all of these things about themselves. They will want to be known. While this might seem obvious to some, many partners did not grow up in homes where they felt known, and they do not know how to fully know each other. But it is never too late to learn how, and it is very connecting. Connected couples are more resilient to stress. Connect, connect, connect. You can explore more about building this kind of closeness on the intimacy hub, and the book Secure Love walks you through it in depth.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if my partner and I never learned to be known?
Many people did not grow up in homes where they felt known, so they never learned how. It can be learned at any point, and doing so deeply connects a couple.
Do shared interests and attraction still matter?
Yes. Attraction, common interests, and enjoying time together are good things that relationships need. Being known is the deeper layer that makes connection last.
Want to understand how you give and receive closeness?