Session 3: When You Get Scared, I Get Scared

Season 2Self Regulation
Written By Julie Menanno MA, LMFT, LCPC

In this episode

A stressful weekend surrounding their daughter's tonsil surgery sends Bethany and Brian spiraling, revealing how a shared set of facts can tell two completely different stories. Julie Menanno explores how Bethany's anxiety triggers Brian's deep fear of failure, leaving him unable to show up—so overwhelmed that he says divorce would be easier. The session shows how high-stress moments expose existing wounds, and asks whether the couple can turn toward each other's fear.

Key takeaways

  • High-stress moments like a child's surgery don't create new problems—they expose existing ones.
  • A shared set of facts can tell two completely different stories to each partner.
  • Bethany's anxiety triggers Brian's deep fear of failure, leaving him unable to show up.
  • Under pressure, Brian voices that divorce feels easier than the pain of disconnection.
  • The central challenge: turning toward each other's fear instead of letting it drive you apart.

Keep going deeper

Hand-picked for this episode: Self Regulation

Self-paced course

Anxious Attachment: Self-Work

Build the self-regulation and self-compassion that calm an anxious nervous system.

Explore the course
The book

Secure Love

Julie's bestselling guide to building lasting, secure connection — the foundation behind every episode.

Get the book
Membership

The Secure Love Club

Go live with Julie every other week, plus 100+ hours of past sessions and 25% off every course.

$100/mo · $1,000/yr
Join the Club
♥
Personalized support

Work 1:1 with a coach

Ready to apply this to your own relationship? Get matched with a Secure Relationship coach trained in Julie's approach.

Explore coaching
 
Julie Menanno MA, LMFT, LCPC

Julie Menanno, MA is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, and Relationship Coach. Julie operates a clinical therapy practice in Bozeman, Montana, and leads a global relationship coaching practice with a team of trained coaches. She is an expert in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples and specializes in attachment issues within relationships.

Julie is the author of the best-selling book Secure Love, published by Simon and Schuster in January 2024. She provides relationship insights to over 1.3 million Instagram followers and hosts The Secure Love Podcast, where she shares real-time couples coaching sessions to help listeners navigate relational challenges. Julie also hosts a bi-weekly discussion group on relationship and self-help topics. A sought-after public speaker and podcast guest, Julie is dedicated to helping individuals and couples foster secure, fulfilling relationships.

Julie lives in Bozeman, Montana, with her husband of 25 years, their six children, and their beloved dog. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, skiing, Pilates, reading psychology books, and studying Italian.

https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/
Previous

Session 4: Why Does Leaving Feel Better Than Staying?
Next

Session 2: “Second-Class Citizen” – Understanding What Lies Behind the Anger