Do You Think That He Can Love This Anxious Part of You?

Season 1Trust & Wounds
Written By Julie Menanno MA, LMFT, LCPC

In this episode

Melissa's journey turns toward self-acceptance as she wrestles with the belief that she can only be okay when Drew gets it right. Julie explains anxious attachment's external locus of control and builds Melissa's self-compassion for the part of her that won't always self-regulate. Connecting her fears and perfectionism to childhood attachment wounds, Julie helps Melissa loosen her exhausting pursuit of perfection—while coaching Drew to offer reassurance that speaks directly to her core fears.

Key takeaways

  • Melissa's pattern: she can only feel okay 'when Drew gets it right'—an external locus of control common to anxious attachment.
  • Julie distinguishes self-regulation work from self-blame: the goal is resilience plus self-love, even when Melissa slips.
  • Self-compassion for the part that gets overwhelmed actually lowers dysregulation, versus the extra 'bad energy' of self-hatred.
  • True love—from herself and from Drew—has to include her anxious, imperfect parts, not just her best self.
  • Julie coaches Drew to give reassurance aimed precisely at Melissa's core fears while she builds her own inner security.
Read the full transcript

Hi everybody and welcome back to the Secure Love Podcast with me, your host, couples therapist and author of Secure Love, the book, Julie Menanno. And I'm joined here with real life couple, Melissa and Drew, as we near the end of our journey through 20 sessions of couples therapy to help them move from an insecure attachment to a secure one.

[Full session transcript continues on the episode's original audio. This written summary and transcript excerpt are provided for accessibility and search; listen to the full episode on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or YouTube for the complete conversation.]

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Julie Menanno MA, LMFT, LCPC

Julie Menanno, MA is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, and Relationship Coach. Julie operates a clinical therapy practice in Bozeman, Montana, and leads a global relationship coaching practice with a team of trained coaches. She is an expert in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples and specializes in attachment issues within relationships.

Julie is the author of the best-selling book Secure Love, published by Simon and Schuster in January 2024. She provides relationship insights to over 1.3 million Instagram followers and hosts The Secure Love Podcast, where she shares real-time couples coaching sessions to help listeners navigate relational challenges. Julie also hosts a bi-weekly discussion group on relationship and self-help topics. A sought-after public speaker and podcast guest, Julie is dedicated to helping individuals and couples foster secure, fulfilling relationships.

Julie lives in Bozeman, Montana, with her husband of 25 years, their six children, and their beloved dog. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, skiing, Pilates, reading psychology books, and studying Italian.

https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/
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The Journey Toward a Secure Love (Season Finale)
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Perfectionism to Self-Regulation: The Anxious Partner's Journey