What Are Attachment Needs? Anxious vs Avoidant
QUICK ANSWER
Attachment needs are the basic emotional needs every human has to feel safe and close in an important relationship. When they are met, you feel warmth and security. When they go unmet, you feel anxiety and loneliness. Anxious and avoidant partners are often sensitive to different needs, which is why understanding them matters.
All humans need to have attachment needs met to feel safe and close in their relationship with their partner. It is part of our neurological wiring. Some humans can learn to disavow their needs in order to survive an environment over which they have no control, but the needs are still there, buried away. The more important the relationship, the more powerful the attachment needs.
How should I think about my attachment needs?
Attachment needs should be seen as a forest, not as individual trees. The question is "in this relationship as a whole, are my needs being met?" instead of "My partner is criticizing me right now in this moment, so that means they see me as a failure, so that means my needs aren't being met." The list of attachment needs is not very long, and some needs are more important to some humans than others. This is especially true when it comes to the differences between anxious partners and avoidant partners, and those differences can create confusion if they aren't addressed. Remember, there are also overlaps in attachment needs between partners.
What does emotional safety actually mean?
Does the term emotional safety ever seem vague to you? Here is a very simple explanation:
- Met attachment needs equal feelings of warmth, contentment, and security, which equal emotional safety.
- Unmet attachment needs equal feelings of anxiety, despair, and loneliness, which equal emotional unsafety.
What are the common attachment needs of anxious partners?
To feel safe and close, an anxious partner often needs:
- to know you'll be there when I need you
- to know I'm valuable to you
- to feel wanted
- to be emotionally validated, which is especially important to anxious partners
- to know I'm not too much
- to know you won't abandon me
These needs are so important to anxious partners because these were typically the attachment needs which went unmet, to one degree or another, during their childhood, so they are particularly sensitive in these areas. Anxious partners are usually very aware of these needs, whether they have words for them or not, and their work is often about learning how to go about getting their needs met with behaviors that will set them up for success.
What are the common attachment needs of avoidant partners?
To feel safe and close, an avoidant partner often needs:
- to know you appreciate my efforts, and see what I'm getting right
- to be seen as successful in your eyes
- to know my needs matter to you
- to know you trust my love
- to know it's ok to be weak sometimes
- to know you want me
These needs are so important to avoidant partners because these were typically the attachment needs which went unmet during their childhood, or they were rewarded for being a certain way, for example strong or emotionally invisible, so they are particularly sensitive in these areas. For avoidants, a lot of the time the work is about helping them begin to recognize their needs, own and embrace their needs, and directly advocate for them.
How do partners start meeting each other's needs?
The way for partners to start helping each other get their needs met in an appropriate and balanced way is to first define whether or not that is the mutual goal. If one or both partners is genuinely not interested in being in a relationship in which both partners actively strive to meet each other's needs, that is a fundamental problem which needs to be addressed. It is not possible for a relationship to thrive if basic attachment needs aren't being met.
Please note, if a partner's attachment needs aren't being met, that doesn't necessarily make it the fault of the other partner. A partner can be responsible for behaving in ways that make it difficult or impossible for the other partner to want to, or be able to, meet their needs. When looking for blocks to attachment needs being met, there are lots of options to explore, which is why sometimes professional help is needed to sort through it all.
Next, partners need to start communicating about their deepest needs and exploring ways to get them met. It is tricky, because we can't go about getting our needs met with controlling behaviors. For those partners who grew up in homes with unmet needs, it can be very difficult to learn to be responsive and how to go about being responded to. But it is possible with work, and sometimes part of that work is getting help from a therapist trained to work with attachment. You can learn more about this in the needs and boundaries resources.
Is this the same as codependency?
There is a vast difference between met attachment needs and codependency or emotional enmeshment, so vast that they are mutually exclusive. Codependency and enmeshment are both defined by behaviors which are maladaptive attempts to get attachment needs met by people who just don't know how to work with their own needs, or the needs of their partner, because they haven't yet learned how.
What happens when needs go unmet in a moment?
When a partner has a global felt sense of met attachment needs, they are resilient to ruptures and relationship distress. This is security. However, even the strongest, most secure couples will sometimes experience attachment ruptures, moments when one or more attachment need is unmet. This often happens when discussing difficult topics when emotions get heated.
When this happens, the attachment ruptures create emotional unsafety, and nobody can effectively address issues, problems, decisions, or arguments from a place of emotional unsafety, especially partners. When emotionally unsafe, couples either process it and get back on track, or they go into a negative cycle. The rupture needs to be repaired, emotional safety needs to be reestablished, and then the couple will be out of the negative cycle and the conversation will have the best chance of being successful. Julie explains all of this, and more, in depth in her book Secure Love.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can you have attachment needs even if you never feel them?
Yes. Some people learn to disavow their needs to survive their environment, but the needs are still there, buried away. The more important the relationship, the more powerful they are.
Why do anxious and avoidant partners seem to need different things?
Each style is sensitive to the needs that went unmet, or were shaped, in childhood. Anxious partners often need reassurance and validation, while avoidant partners often need appreciation and to feel their efforts are seen.
What if only one of us wants to meet needs?
That is a fundamental issue to address directly. A relationship cannot thrive if basic attachment needs aren't being met by both partners over time.
Want to understand which attachment needs matter most to you?