QUICK ANSWER
Your ability to be in a healthy relationship hinges on empathy and validation. Empathy means feeling your partner's experience and seeing through their eyes. Validation means putting that understanding into words. Together they create the emotional safety that makes problem solving possible.
Healthy communication is so much more than words. It must also be a felt experience, as well as the ability and willingness to communicate that felt experience. It starts with empathy, and it is completed with validation.
What is empathy, really?
To experience empathy you must allow yourself to feel your partner's experience, and to view the situation through their eyes. You must open yourself up to them. Empathizing with your partner is part of loving them. It is not easy. In fact, when in conflict with your partner, it's probably the most difficult of all relationship skills to master.
It is especially difficult for those who grew up in homes where they had to protect their positions at all costs, otherwise they would be completely bulldozed by the needs of others. To protect their position, they couldn't create space for the positions of others. It wasn't safe. Having the skill to empathize, not in words but by felt experience, is risky. It is vulnerable. But it's the only path to true connection. You can go deeper with these skills in the communication resources.
What does empathy look like in a real disagreement?
Here's an example. You and your partner have a disagreement about whether or not to purchase a new vehicle. Your partner wants to save money and repair the current vehicle. You think it's a waste to spend money on the repair, and that it's a smarter idea to purchase a new car. Is there a right or wrong? In most cases there's probably not. You are both looking to stay financially safe, but have different ways of going about it.
Clinging to your own experience looks like this:
"My partner's idea is ridiculous. They're so cheap just like their dad, and this is going to end up costing us money down the line. My way is the only way that makes sense."
Opening yourself up to your partner's experience looks like this:
"My partner wants to stay safe just like I do. We have the same goal. They look up to their dad and learned a lot from him, and in some ways I appreciate the decisions my partner has learned to make because of that relationship. I can really see where they're coming from."
Don't worry, you don't have to lose your own experience. That looks like:
"At the same time, I'm not sure if I necessarily agree with the decision they want to make. I have some valid points also, and my sense of safety matters too. But I can hold both of our experiences at once."
What is validation?
Validation means you put your ability to feel and understand your partner into words. You communicate the empathy. You don't have to agree to anything factual. You just need to be able to understand them and feel them. Validating your partner is part of loving them. Using our example:
"I understand where you're coming from and I understand how important it is for you to make decisions that feel secure for you. I really do feel you, and your needs are really important to me because I love you and I want you to feel good. At the same time, I have some different ideas right now too, so let's take some time to give each other's perspectives some thought and revisit the topic this evening. What do you think?"
How do I put it all together?
Words are important, but authenticity is key, and to be authentic you must feel what you say. The next time you and your partner have a disagreement, see if you can stop, take a breath, regulate yourself, and figure out what's going on for you. What do I need? What makes me feel safe about my position? When you have that sorted out, see if you can do the same for your partner. Jump into their experience, see things through their eyes, and feel some of what they might be feeling. This is empathy. Next, communicate to them what you find. Tell them you understand their thoughts and feelings, even if you don't agree with their approach. This is validation. When empathy and validation are on board, it creates emotional safety, and this is the platform from which problem solving is going to be most productive. Julie explores all of this in depth in her book Secure Love.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do I have to agree with my partner to validate them?
No. Validation is about understanding and feeling your partner, not agreeing with the facts. You can hold your own perspective at the same time.
Why is empathy so hard during conflict?
It is vulnerable, and it is especially hard for those who learned they had to protect their own position at all costs. Opening up to your partner's experience can feel risky, even though it is the only path to real connection.
Want to understand how you show up in conflict?