A free guide from therapist Julie Menanno

30 Things to Say When You Don't Know What to Say

Word-for-word scripts for the moments couples get stuck in: what to say after an argument, how to ask for reassurance, how to stop a fight before it wrecks the night, and how to say no without a paragraph of justification.

  • 30 scripts across six parts: repair, pausing a fight, reaching, responding, limits, and the hardest conversations

  • Each one shows what is going on underneath, what usually comes out instead, and what to say

  • 21 pages, free, in your inbox in about a minute

Cover of the free guide, 30 Things to Say When You Don't Know What to Say, by Julie Menanno
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Most people don't need more insight. They need words.

You already know the fight is going badly. You can feel it in your chest before it is happening in the room. What you don't have, right then, is a sentence. That isn't a character flaw. Most of us were never given the words.

You can't hand someone a language they were never taught, and then be surprised by the accent.

The moments it covers

The four questions people search for at 11pm

Each has its own script in the guide. Here is the shape of the answer.

Repair · scripts 01 to 06

What to say after an argument

You don't have to resolve the fight to begin repairing the distance. The first words are "I'm still here, we're still us," said before anyone is ready to talk about what happened. The guide has the full script for the morning after, and the apology that doesn't come with a "but."

Pausing a fight · scripts 07 to 10

How to stop an argument before it wrecks the night

The break is the most useful tool in a fight and the most dangerous one. Taken without a return time, it lands as abandonment. Script 07 is the time-out that comes with a bridge back, and script 10 is how to name the cycle out loud while you're still in it.

Reaching · scripts 11 to 16

How to ask for reassurance without apologising for it

There's nothing wrong with needing reassurance. The problem is hiding the need under criticism, testing, or making your partner prove it. A vulnerable ask is far easier to answer than a protest dressed as an accusation. Script 11 is the ask, plainly.

Responding · scripts 17 to 20

What to say to someone who is hurting

Most of the time your partner doesn't need the perfect response. They need to know they aren't alone in it. "I'm not sure what to say, but I can see you're hurting, and I'm here" does more than any fix. Script 17, and the one for validating something you completely disagree with.

Read one first

Here is number seven, in full

Every script in the guide is written exactly like this one. Nothing is held back for a paid version.

07

Calling a time out that doesn’t feel like abandonment

Underneath

The break is the most useful tool in a fight and the most dangerous one. Taken without a return time, it doesn’t land as a break. It lands as abandonment, and now you have two problems instead of one. Frame it as protecting the relationship from a fight, not protecting yourself from your partner.

Instead of

Walking out. Or, “I’m done with this conversation.”

Try

“I’m really angry, and I have the urge to start defending myself and saying mean things. I don’t want to do that to us anymore. I want to take a break to cool off, because you and this relationship are too important to me to keep going like this. How about we come back to it at eight? I want to protect us from a fight.”

Twenty nine more like it, waiting in your inbox.

What is inside

Six parts, thirty scripts

Organised by the moment you are in, so you can find the words while you still need them.

Part One · 6 scripts

Repair

For after it already went badly

The morning after a bad fight. The apology without the "but." Coming back after you shut down, or after you blew up. Accepting an apology you don't fully feel yet.

Part Two · 4 scripts

Pausing a Fight

For before it wrecks the whole night

A time-out that doesn't land as abandonment, and coming back from it. When your partner walks away and you want to follow. Naming the cycle out loud.

Part Three · 6 scripts

Reaching

For saying the vulnerable thing

Asking for reassurance. Saying you're lonely inside the relationship. Naming a hurt hours later. Asking for more affection, and for help without a chore list.

Part Four · 4 scripts

Responding

For when they are the one reaching

When your partner is upset and you have no idea what to say. Validating something you disagree with. When their emotion lands like an accusation.

Part Five · 5 scripts

Limits and Assertion

For saying where you stand

Saying no without a legal brief attached. When they get angry at your no. Asking for a repeated pattern to change. Family and in-laws.

Part Six · 5 scripts

The Hardest Ones

For the conversations you keep putting off

Asking your partner to go to couples therapy. Sex without pressure or rejection. Money. Fighting in front of the kids, and the repair afterward.

Who wrote this

Written by Julie Menanno

Julie is a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT, LCPC), the author of the Simon & Schuster bestseller Secure Love, and the founder of The Secure Relationship. Her work is grounded in attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy, the same frameworks she uses with couples every day. Every script in this guide is one she uses with real couples.

  • Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

  • Trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, the framework behind every script

  • Founder of The Secure Relationship and its team of attachment coaches

Julie Menanno, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Secure Love

Before you sign up

A few questions

  • Yes. All twenty one pages and all thirty scripts, with no payment and no trial. It is the same language Julie uses with couples in session.

  • The guide lands in your inbox within a minute. You also join the newsletter, which is where Julie sends new scripts, podcast episodes and anything else we make.

  • No. A few emails a month, and every one of them has an unsubscribe link at the bottom.

  • No. The scripts work on their own. If you want the context, the free attachment style quiz takes about three minutes and tells you which pattern you lean toward.

  • Yes. Every script is something one person can say. You are not waiting on your partner to read anything first.

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