How to Make a Repair After Conflict, Step by Step
QUICK ANSWER
Repairing after conflict follows a path. Regulate and open your heads and hearts first, speak from a place of self instead of blame, take turns instead of bouncing back and forth, make space for both partners' hurt, and problem solve as a team. Both partners can be hurt by the same event.
When you miss each other and want to reconnect, but still feel hurt and do not want to sweep it under the rug, you need a repair. Here is how to make a repair after conflict, step by step.
How do we start a repair?
Open your heads and hearts first. Before talking, it helps for both of you to access your hearts and your heads. Regulate your nervous systems and start from a place of groundedness, access empathy, remember the good in each other, and remember you are not enemies, ruptures are actually the best opportunity to practice healthier communication. It might help to look at childhood pictures of each other. Commit to active listening and let go of self righteousness.
How do I speak so my partner can hear me?
Speak from a place of self. Use phrases like, what I heard was, what that meant to me was, here is where I was coming from, and it brought up in me the feeling of. Avoid always and never, which box people in, and avoid criticisms of character like you are just an unavailable person or you are too sensitive. Instead, try, sometimes when I cannot reach you I end up feeling emotionally lonely, or sometimes I get overwhelmed with your feelings, like they will just build no matter what I do. You can also name what you can and cannot live with, and say, it is important to me to know my thoughts and feelings matter.
Why does taking turns matter so much?
Avoid bouncing back and forth, where each partner fires off criticism and counter criticism and nothing gets heard. Instead, let one partner express at a time while the other gives space, reflects, and validates. It might sound like this from the first partner:
I know this is a hard topic because of how often we have both felt unheard. What I heard was that you were going to tell your mom we are not coming to dinner. When I found out she did not know, I felt like I was in an awkward position, and it is important to me that you understand how it impacted me. It is also hard when I do not know whether you will follow through, then I end up feeling unimportant and alone.
And the receiving partner reflects and validates back:
Thank you for the way you are letting me know how this impacted you. What you are saying makes sense. I said I would tell her and I did not, and that put you in an awkward position and left you feeling alone. I am truly sorry, and it is something I am going to work on, because you and our relationship are so important to me.
What about my hurt too?
Sometimes, especially with communication, both partners are hurt by the same event, and one partner's hurt does not cancel out the other's. So after the first partner is fully heard, do it in reverse and acknowledge each other's vulnerability. The receiving partner might share that they felt attacked by how the concern was brought up, and the first partner can validate that too. From there, you can problem solve with teamwork, one partner asking for help with a real need and the other agreeing to work on it together. Learn more in the repair library, or work through it with the Repairing After a Negative Cycle or Rupture course.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if we both got hurt in the same fight?
That is common. One person's hurt does not cancel the other's. Give one partner the floor to be fully heard first, then reverse and do the same for the other.
Why look at childhood pictures before a repair?
It helps you access empathy and remember you are not enemies. Seeing the vulnerable child in your partner softens defensiveness and opens the heart.
Want a clearer roadmap for repairing after conflict?