How to Get Through a Break-Up: A Therapist's Guide to Grieving
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Getting through a break-up means letting yourself grieve rather than avoid the pain. The only way out is through. Leave denial behind, let go and feel your feelings, grieve even the good parts, keep yourself motivated through doubt, give it time, and let the experience build your self-confidence. Watch for stalled grief, and seek professional help if it sets in.
Break-ups are a major life transition, and there's a real process to moving through one. Here is how to grieve well and come out the other side. For more support around life transitions, explore the blog.
Why do you have to leave denial behind first?
Before you can begin to heal, you must first accept the reality that the relationship is not good for you. Even if it wasn't your idea to break up, it's not good for you to be with someone who's unable to fully commit to you. If you're still trying to salvage the relationship by convincing yourself or your partner it can work, you haven't yet accepted reality, and you won't be able to move forward emotionally. If you can't accept the break-up, it helps to explore what's keeping you from it. Are you afraid of feelings of loss, loneliness, abandonment, or failure? Are you putting these fears ahead of your overall well-being? Are you afraid these feelings will overwhelm you and last forever? They won't. You have what you need inside of you to survive, even if you don't know it.
How do you let go and feel your feelings?
Once you've accepted the necessity and inevitability of the break-up, the time will come to face the feelings of loss. Feeling the pain is the only way to the other side. The only way out is through. This means letting go of anything you're doing to avoid the pain, including clinging to the idea that the relationship will work, or seeking out another relationship before you've fully moved past this one. You'll have to feel sadness, anger, fear, and maybe shame. Your pain will come in waves, and the waves will decrease in frequency and intensity over time. Resist the urge to stuff the pain away with distractions or to make it go away by returning to the relationship. At work you may choose to hold it in, but you'll need to give yourself plenty of space for the feelings to process through you.
Why do you need to grieve the good parts?
Even the most difficult relationships have good parts. It's never all or nothing. To walk away from the pain, you'll have to say goodbye to the good, and this is where many people get stuck. They start to believe the good parts defined the relationship, and forget the pain. Instead of clinging to the good parts, you'll need to grieve their loss. They were real, and they are gone. You will miss the good, it will be sad and hard to say goodbye, but you will survive. When people only remember the good, it's called euphoric recall. This is a defense mechanism, and it doesn't mean it's a good idea to return. It just means your brain is playing tricks on you because it wants to avoid pain. If you feel yourself slipping into euphoric recall, try to catch it and remind yourself of the hard parts you're walking away from, and why it's better to do so.
How do you keep yourself motivated through doubt?
Even when every part of you knows you've left a relationship that isn't good for you, you'll have doubts from time to time, especially at the beginning. This is normal and doesn't mean you should go back, but you'll need to be prepared. Some tools for your break-up toolbox: keep a journal to remind you why the relationship isn't good for you, call a friend or family member who can support you and remind you why it's best to be out (tell them in advance what you'd like from them in those moments), let yourself feel the bodily sensation of regret and sit with it (it will most likely turn into sadness, and you'll need to cry, which is a good release of grief), and exercise to release mood-boosting endorphins.
Why does it take time, and how do you build confidence?
Grieving a break-up is not a quick fix. It takes time, depending on how long the relationship lasted, and the grieving process has its own timeline. You can't rush it, but you can keep it moving by allowing yourself to feel and letting go of denial. Focus on behaviors that are comforting and good self-care: extra support from family and friends, time with pets, positive and empowering books and entertainment, and keeping your body healthy.
Most people are afraid of break-ups, even when they know it's the best option. Nobody is eager to sign up for sadness, remorse, anger, and shame. But by facing these feelings instead of running from them, you'll learn a lot about yourself. You'll learn what helps you navigate emotional discomfort and what only prolongs it. You'll learn which responses from loved ones feel good, so you know what to ask for in the future. Most importantly, you'll learn how strong you are and that you can survive emotional pain. These experiences build self-confidence and resilience. When it's over, you'll be able to say, "that was awful, but I did it, and now I know I can bounce back from pain."
What is stalled grief?
There's no single answer for how long grief lasts, but it's related to the importance and length of the relationship, anywhere from a few weeks to a year or more. What's important to watch for is stalled grief, which means something is getting in the way of allowing the grief to run its course, whether denial, distraction, or stuffing feelings down. Some signs are prolonged obsession over the ex-partner or relationship, normal sadness that turns into depression, angry outbursts or irritability, fear of new relationships, addiction, and self-harm. If you're confused about whether your experience is normal grief or stalled grief, the best option is to see a professional therapist who can help you work through it. Julie's relationship coaching can also offer support as you move through this transition.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long will it take to get over a break-up?
There's no fixed timeline. It depends largely on the importance and length of the relationship, and can range from a few weeks to a year or more. Allowing yourself to feel and letting go of denial keeps the process moving.
What is euphoric recall?
Euphoric recall is when you only remember the good parts of the relationship. It's a defense mechanism your brain uses to avoid pain, and it doesn't mean going back is a good idea.
When should I get professional help?
If you notice signs of stalled grief, like prolonged obsession, depression, addiction, or self-harm, it's best to see a professional therapist who can help you work through it.
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