Helpful Goals for Each Insecure Attachment Style
QUICK ANSWER
Each insecure attachment style has its own healing goals. Anxious partners work on self-comfort and talking about vulnerability instead of what their partner is doing wrong. Avoidant partners work on accessing feelings and staying with conflict. Disorganized partners focus on trauma-informed help and can draw from both anxious and avoidant goals.
Growth looks a little different depending on your attachment style. Here are the most helpful goals for each insecure style. You can explore all the attachment styles in more depth on the blog.
What are helpful goals for anxious attachment?
Learn how to comfort yourself and build emotional regulation skills. Face that you may want intimacy and fear it at the same time. Learn how to talk about your vulnerability instead of what your partner is doing wrong. Make connections between childhood experiences and current abandonment fears.
What are helpful goals for avoidant attachment?
Face that you might have a problem accessing and communicating feelings. Learn how to talk about vulnerability instead of running away from conflict. Consider the idea that even though you've never experienced true intimacy, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Make connections between childhood experiences and current fear of failure.
What are helpful goals for disorganized attachment?
Seek out therapy or information specifically related to trauma. Understand how you needed many different strategies in childhood to stay emotionally or physically safe. Use any of the above suggestions for anxious and avoidant that may feel relevant to your experience.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if I relate to more than one style's goals?
That's common, especially with a disorganized style. You can draw from both the anxious and avoidant goals, using whatever feels relevant to your experience.
What's the core goal for anxious attachment?
Learning to comfort yourself and to talk about your own vulnerability, rather than focusing on what your partner is doing wrong.
Where can I do this work?
Julie's attachment theory course helps you set and work toward the right goals for your style.
Not sure where you land? Start with your attachment style.