Why Protesting in Your Relationship Keeps You Stuck
QUICK ANSWER
Protesting sounds like criticism, blame, and accusation ("You're so rude," "You just don't care about my feelings"). It is a reactive attempt to be heard, and it usually keeps you stuck. The alternative is to assert yourself in a way that is emotionally safe for both you and your partner, which increases the odds of being truly seen and heard.
When you get triggered by your partner, protesting can feel like the only way through. But it tends to backfire. Here is what protesting is, why it made sense at some point in your life, and what to do instead so you can feel seen and heard.
What does protesting sound like?
Protesting when you get triggered by your partner sounds like: "You're so rude!" "Stop getting so defensive." "You just don't care about my feelings." "Why are you the one to always get your way?" It is a way of coming in hot when everything in your body is telling you to fight to be heard.
Why is protesting reactive instead of proactive?
If reactive could talk, it would say: I'm triggered and everything in my body is telling me to stay safe by letting you know how defeated and alone and awful I feel. How else can I get through to you besides coming in hot?
If proactive could talk, it would say: This feels bad. What's going on with me? I feel desperate to be heard and to create change. The frustration I feel is valid. What's the best way to communicate my feelings and needs?
Why do people protest in the first place?
People who protest don't do so randomly. At some point in life, and maybe in their current relationship, protesting was their only way to be heard. If they didn't protest, they would have had to sit there feeling unseen, misunderstood, neglected, and defeated. Anything is better than that, so protesting made sense. But then comes the downside, being accused of being an angry ranter. Since neither of these options is ideal, what is the way out?
How do you assert yourself with emotional safety instead?
The way out of this no-win situation is to learn to assert yourself in a way that is emotionally safe for you and your partner, and even in a way that can feel really connecting. This is the heart of getting out of your negative cycle. Here are some examples.
Instead of "You don't even care about my feelings!" or "You're so rude!" when your partner says something insensitive, try:
"One thing I love about you is how authentic you are and I would never want you to change that. It's part of what helps me feel so close to you. But sometimes things get said that touch a tender spot in my heart. I have some pain around those places, and it would help me feel safe if you could be extra careful with that. Nobody has ever been careful around these places for me, and I want you to be that person, because of how special you are to me."
Instead of "Why are you the one to always get your way?" when you think your partner isn't considering your input on a decision, try:
"You have great ideas and I appreciate that about you and I trust your decisions because you have a good track record. At the same time, I want us to work as a team. That's so important to me. We both grew up in homes where we didn't see our own parents working as a team and I want something better for us. I'm not trying to accuse you of being wrong or not considering me, I just need to know my input matters equally to you."
Does speaking with emotional safety guarantee a good response?
Remember, speaking with emotional safety isn't meant to provide guarantees that your partner will respond to your new communication the way you'd like right away. Sometimes that won't happen. We can only increase the odds. Couples who've been in negative cycles for a long time might need to put in consistent effort for weeks or months before the safety in the relationship starts to build. Also keep in mind that this work isn't just about your relationship with your partner, it's about your relationship with you. Be your best self for you, because eventually it will feel better and because you never know where life will take you, so build good habits now.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is protesting the same as expressing my needs?
No. Protesting is reactive and comes out as criticism or blame. Expressing your needs with healthy assertion names your feelings and what you need while keeping the relationship emotionally safe, which is far more likely to reach your partner.
What if my partner still doesn't respond well?
Speaking with emotional safety increases the odds of a good response but does not guarantee one. Long-standing cycles can take weeks or months of consistent effort before safety builds. The work is also for you, because it helps you build good habits and become your best self.
Where can I get more help with this?
Julie's book Secure Love is designed to help you and your partner use emotional connection to get out of negative cycles of protest and retreat.
Not sure where you land? Start with your attachment style.