You Deserve Help With Your Feelings: Getting Vulnerable
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You can never entirely escape emotional pain, so it helps to be able to feel it, sit with it, comfort it, and seek comfort from others. But before you can find comfort, you have to believe you deserve it. Many people learned to treat their own feelings the way others once treated them. The healthy way is to give those feelings space and support.
Because you deserve help with your feelings, it is worth getting vulnerable. Vulnerability means different things for different people in different situations. The common thread is that it requires doing something healthy, or showing a part of yourself, even at the risk of rejection. Learning to do this is a deep part of self regulation.
What does it mean to be vulnerable with feelings?
One way to be vulnerable is to talk about vulnerable feelings such as sadness, fear, loneliness, helplessness, powerlessness, and shame. If you were not raised in an environment where it was safe to talk about these feelings, or where you could get comfort for them, the chances are high that you learned to push them out of your awareness until they get triggered and find you again. Some people manage to keep them at bay indefinitely, at a cost. Others try to avoid them by controlling their environment so painful feelings are not triggered to begin with.
Building a life that is low in sadness, shame, and powerlessness is a worthy goal, and there are plenty of things you can do to help. But the truth is you can never entirely escape emotional pain, nor would you want to, so it is good to have a backup plan, which is the ability to allow yourself to feel the pain, sit with it, comfort it, and seek comfort from others so you do not have to carry it alone. But before you can find comfort, you have to believe you deserve comfort. There is only one thing worse than feeling painful emotions, being alone with them.
Why might I not believe I deserve help?
Here are common reasons people might not believe they deserve help with their emotional pain:
- You have had many experiences in life where you were left alone with emotional pain. Since being alone with painful feelings makes them unbearable, you had to learn to push them away or work harder to keep them from getting triggered, the idea being, if I can make myself good enough, I will not have to feel sad, rejected, or scared, and then I will not have to be alone with those feelings.
- Maybe you were not necessarily left alone with pain, but you were not exactly comforted. Instead, well intentioned people tried to get you to feel better by telling you to look at the bright side, try not to think about it, or how to fix the problem. If the messages were skewed toward, you should not feel this way, it probably left you feeling worse and even more alone.
- You were outright rejected, punished, or shamed when you showed vulnerable parts of yourself. Maybe you were told you are too dramatic, weak, a wimp, or a loser, or were called selfish or ungrateful. In all of these cases, it makes sense to not seek comfort, because sharing meant more layers of pain, and it also meant you took on the lie that you do not deserve help.
How did I learn to treat my own feelings?
Instead of acknowledging and comforting their feelings, and seeking support from others, people learn to treat their own feelings the way others treated them. If your feelings were ignored, chances are you ignore them. If they were dismissed, you probably tell yourself you are overreacting. If they were shamed, you hide them from yourself and others. If they were punished, you view your feelings as a threat to your safety and keep them to yourself. If your feelings were rejected, you reject them. In other words, you shame yourself for feeling to begin with.
The downside is that if there is no healthy outlet for your feelings, you get stuck shoving them away at the cost of connection, being reactive to anything that threatens to expose them, and getting stuck in protective feelings like anxiety and anger. Anxiety is protective because it says, if I worry enough I will prevent bad things from happening. Anger is protective because it says, I have got to change this situation so I do not have to keep feeling alone or powerless. Neither anxiety nor anger are bad, but getting stuck in them indefinitely is, because the vulnerable feelings underlying them are going uncared for.
What is the healthy way?
The healthy way is doing something new, something that should have happened to begin with, which is giving space to the painful feelings, talking about them, comforting them, and getting support for them. This requires being vulnerable, and first you have to believe you deserve to have the feelings and that you deserve help with them. Here are some examples of new ways to treat your own feelings:
I yelled at the kids because I felt powerless and overwhelmed. That is a painful place for me. Even though I did not handle the situation so great and I want to work toward something better, I still deserve comfort for my pain in the moment.
I work too much because I am so afraid of being a failure. That part of me says, if you fail, you will be rejected and alone. That would be so awful that I keep overworking to avoid facing those fears.
I felt talked down to when my partner said that. Even if they did not mean it like that, it touched something painful inside of me and I can give that place some love right now. That does not make me unappreciative. It makes me a human that needs a little help for the hurt.
None of these approaches imply getting stuck in the pain indefinitely, or foregoing healthy self reflection on your part of the event. In fact, when feelings are given what they need, they are much more likely to clear out, and it becomes much easier to problem solve surface issues. Because shame so often blocks this work, the Understanding Shame course can be a helpful next step.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I have to believe I deserve help before I can get it?
Because nobody gets vulnerable when they do not really believe they deserve help. Believing you deserve comfort is what makes it possible to seek it and let it in.
Is it bad to feel anxiety or anger?
No. Both are protective and sometimes needed. What is unhelpful is getting stuck in them indefinitely, because that usually means the vulnerable feelings underneath are going uncared for.
Does comforting my feelings mean wallowing in them?
No. Giving feelings space is not getting stuck in them. When feelings get what they need, they are actually more likely to clear out, making it easier to problem solve.
Your attachment style shapes how you treat your own feelings. Explore yours.