Become Your Best Self to Inspire Change in Your Partner
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If you want to inspire change in those around you, become your best self. When you become your best self, it puts your loved ones in a position to face their own blocks. That means speaking from a place of self, sharing authentic thoughts and feelings, setting better boundaries, practicing empathy, and moving away from blame.
We all have our own unique challenges in relationships when it comes to being our best selves. Here are the common ones I see in my practice, along with how each one invites your partner to grow too. For more on healthier ways to connect, explore our communication resources.
What does speaking from a place of self mean?
Speaking from self is similar to making I-statements. When you speak from a place of self, you are expressing your own experience: your thoughts, feelings, and the way you have been impacted by your partner. When you come from this place, it means you are grounded in yourself, which is empowering. On the flip side, being other-focused gives away your power, often lands as blame, and fuels negative cycles. Speaking from self makes it more likely you will be heard.
Instead of: "You never follow through on anything." Try: "When you do not do what you say, it makes it hard for me to trust your words, and that gets in the way of my ability to feel close."
Why does sharing authentic thoughts and feelings matter?
To be your best self, you need to know who you are. You are your thoughts, feelings, desires, opinions, values, behaviors, preferences, fears, hopes, and dreams. Some of these things change as you evolve throughout life. To be your best self, you also need to be comfortable sharing who you are with close others. This is how we connect. Sometimes partners hide their true selves because they are afraid of how their partner might respond. For example, you and your partner might generally agree about politics, but you have some thoughts that are different. Instead of holding them in and pretending to agree so you do not cause an argument, speak your mind and let things play out. If your partner is not used to you sharing your authentic opinions, maybe they will push back. If so, that needs to happen, and you need to weather the storm with love. Your partner needs to face that you are a separate human with separate thoughts and get comfortable with it.
How do better boundaries make me my best self?
Your best self teaches people how to treat you by setting, with love, the boundaries that work for you based on who you are and how you feel safe and close. If you do not set appropriate boundaries around things you do not like, you are probably going to feel powerless and resentful, and that makes it much harder to be your best self. Some people are afraid to set boundaries because of how their partner might react. To them, your new boundaries can feel threatening and like a rejection. If so, these are feelings they need to face, so that they can work through them and eventually settle into a relationship that has healthy boundaries.
How do empathy and compassion change the relationship environment?
There are ways to learn to live with a felt sense of empathy, gratitude, and compassion, even when your life is not exactly the way you want it to be. When we do not know how to do this, it can leave us feeling angry and negative, which causes us to act angry and negative. Often partners reinforce this state in each other. By learning to shift your thoughts and feelings into a more positive place, you will create a new and more positive relationship environment. Sometimes this is a smooth process, and sometimes it takes time for those around you to adjust to what is unfamiliar to them. They might even make fun of your new way of being because negativity is all they know. If you stay the course, and your new behaviors are no longer reinforcing your partner's angry and negative ways of being, your partner will have to face their own blocks and will likely start to make their own shifts.
What does moving away from blame look like?
Moving away from blame means fully owning your part of relationship problems. It does not mean owning all of the problems, and it does not mean letting your partner off the hook for bad behaviors. But it does mean shifting the focus of change off of your partner and onto yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does becoming my best self mean I am doing all the work?
No. It means you are taking responsibility for your own growth and your own side of the street, which is the only part you can control. When your behaviors change, the old patterns stop being reinforced, and your partner is put in a position to face themselves.
What if my partner reacts badly to the new me?
Change, even good change, can feel threatening to loved ones at first. Weather the storm with love, confidence, and consistency. If you want structured help with this work, the attachment theory course walks you through it step by step.
Understanding your own patterns starts with knowing your attachment style.