Afraid of Conflict? How to Do It in an Emotionally Safe Way
QUICK ANSWER
It is impossible to have a healthy relationship without engaging in conflict. If conflict overwhelms you, it often traces back to how conflict was handled growing up. The key is to stop running from it and learn to do it in an emotionally safe way, aiming for a balance between head and heart.
Are you afraid of conflict? Does conflict overwhelm you? Learning to handle it in an emotionally safe way is one of the most valuable communication skills, and it is central to healthy communication.
Why does conflict overwhelm me?
Maybe you grew up in a home where conflict was violent, intense, loud, degrading, or scary. Maybe conflict was never talked about and just lingered in the air, creating tension and anxiety. Maybe things went so well in your family that you rarely experienced conflict and you need to avoid the unfamiliar. The last thing people who had this experience want to do is sign up for more of it. But it is impossible to have a healthy relationship without engaging in conflict. It is part of living with other humans. It would be more helpful to stop running from it and instead learn how to do it in an emotionally safe way. Healthy conflict is possible.
Is conflict shameful?
Do you associate conflict with people who are angry, out of control, too emotional, or otherwise behaving in ways you deem shameful? These behaviors do not define conflict. Conflict is defined by two or more people who have different ideas and who need to make a decision together, or work out some sort of problem. It does not require emotional escalation. Does this mean conflict needs to be handled in a purely rational manner? No. Feelings are involved when important issues are on the table. Feelings need to be both honored and balanced with reason. Aim for a balance between head and heart.
Try this: It is really important to me to feel like my needs matter to you and that we are on the same team. Otherwise I feel disconnected and alone, and that is a hard place for me. Can we work together on this?
Instead of: You are always bossing me around, followed by details, dates, and times it happened.
What is the difference between a criticism and a concern?
Concerns address a specific behavior and are a part of all healthy relationships. An example is, can you remember to close the garage door when you pull in? Taken as a concern, the response will usually be, oh right, I will pay more attention to that next time. Criticisms are an attack on the person, not the behavior. They are shaming and do not feel good for anyone. The criticism version sounds like, why do you always leave the garage open? I have asked you a thousand times, you are so inconsiderate.
Sometimes partners misinterpret concerns as criticism. This can happen when a partner is overly sensitive to anything which might threaten how their partner views them, causing them to become defensive, counter attack, or shut down. If you really want to do something profound, lead by validating their feelings about the issue before explaining that their delivery does not feel good for you: I understand it is frustrating when you do not get responded to, and I apologize. I am going to work on that. Then later, once they have felt heard: I am committed to being more responsive to your concerns, and your frustration makes sense. At the same time, what will help me feel safer is knowing you are willing to bring it up more gently.
What are some tips for emotionally safe conflict?
Instead of shutting conflict down, try being transparent about your fear: I am afraid if we start talking about this, we will get into a fight. Everything in me wants to run away from this, but I am willing to hang in here and try. Try to come together to view your negative cycle, the negative communication patterns which get you stuck, as the enemy, not each other. And remember, most of the time neither of you has the market cornered on being right. Be willing to hear each other.
Learning to speak outside of negative cycles and with vulnerability cannot be understated. This means being emotionally regulated, a balance of heart and head, and also emotionally engaged. Agree to speak to each other with attachment friendly dialogue, speaking from a place of self: this is what happened for me, this is how I took it, I am really wanting to resolve this to make us stronger, not to leave you feeling shamed. Harness the power of co regulation. You might start a hard conversation with affectionate touch, giving each other five compliments, or breathing together, anything that brings you closer by nurturing a felt sense of safety. Julie Menanno's book Secure Love offers more on learning why your nervous system tries so hard to avoid conflict.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can I avoid conflict and still have a healthy relationship?
No. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship without engaging in conflict. The goal is not to avoid it, but to learn to do it in an emotionally safe way.
How do I tell a concern from a criticism?
A concern addresses a specific behavior and is part of every healthy relationship. A criticism attacks the person, is shaming, and does not feel good for anyone.
What helps me feel safer during conflict?
Aim for a balance of head and heart, speak from your own experience, view your negative cycle as the enemy rather than each other, and use co regulation like touch or breathing to build a felt sense of safety.
Your attachment style shapes your fear of conflict. Find out how.