Secure Love: Using Attachment Theory to Heal Your Bond
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Secure Love is Julie Menanno's attachment based guide for couples. It shows you how to prevent your negative communication cycle, work through old and new attachment wounds, and use the tools of Emotionally Focused Therapy so you and your partner can stop being each other's enemy and start becoming each other's emotional support system.
If you have taken the time to open this book, you likely fall into one of a few categories. You may feel hopeless and demoralized and this is your last shred of hope. You may sense your relationship is headed that direction. You may want to feel closer to your partner, or feel confident and want to keep it that way. Or you may be single with a history of failed relationships and you do not want to stay stuck in the same pattern.
For those who feel hopeless, I want to offer reassurance. There is hope for your relationship, and I believe this book can help you find it. I also believe it can help those seeking to prevent problems, and those longing to feel closer.
Does this pattern sound familiar?
Let me introduce you to a couple named Josh and Malia. They represent a typical couple in my practice, not in the details of their lives, but in the ways they unsuccessfully try to reach each other. Malia approaches Josh to say she would like to take a weekend trip, but before she finishes, Josh interrupts with concerns about spending money. Malia accuses Josh of caring more about money than their relationship, and Josh responds that he cannot bring up a concern without her belittling him. Malia says he never wants to spend time together. Josh says they spend time together all the time. Then he says he does not want to keep fighting and disengages.
Malia tries to re-engage and finally gives up. Josh feels anger and despair over being seen as a bad husband, and shame for not preventing the fight. Malia feels alone and emotionally abandoned. Eventually the tension wanes and things return to normal, although neither concern was resolved, and a new crack formed in their fragile relationship. My guess is you can relate to something about this interaction.
Why can't couples fix it on their own?
Josh and Malia tried to solve their problems on their own for years, but no matter how hard they tried, they could not make it work. Many of you have come to the same painful conclusion. This is frustrating, especially for those who have found success elsewhere in life. I have worked with clients who have performed brain surgery, raised four children, and sailed around the world, yet they all found themselves on the same couch for the same reason. They had all tried and failed at repairing their own relationships. And they have not been alone. Even couples therapists have historically struggled to repair distressed relationships.
The good news is that the field of couples therapy is growing stronger by the day. For seven decades, many brilliant minds have studied the science of human attachment, and their work is finally becoming mainstream. We are learning to help partners pair new communication skills with the emotional connection they are craving. It is the emotional connection piece which has been missing. When partners are unable to retain emotional connection and safety, even the soundest traditional communication tools are not effective long term.
How did attachment theory help Josh and Malia?
By using specific tools forged from attachment theory, particularly those created by Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples, I was able to help Josh and Malia. This is the template for how this book will help you. Josh and Malia were blocked by a negative communication cycle of accusations, criticisms, defenses, interruptions, and stonewalling. My first goal was to help them prevent that cycle, keep it from escalating, get out of it when it happened, and make repairs when it ended.
Both partners came into the relationship with attachment wounds from childhood and past adult relationships. The second part of the therapy is about working through these wounds, both old and new. I compare this to watching a sad movie. I took them deep into their painful feelings, but in a way that was emotionally safe. They were able to hear and support each other as they put their feelings into words, which is the crux of emotional connection.
You can learn more about the styles that shape these patterns on the attachment styles hub.
When is this work not appropriate yet?
I believe anyone can benefit from this book, but it does have limitations. If any of the following apply, you and your partner will need individual help first:
- Active abuse. If you believe there is a clear imbalance of power, or if you feel your safety is threatened, seek professional help and find safety as soon as possible.
- Competing attachments. The most common form is an active affair. For couples work to succeed, each partner must be committed to the growth of the relationship. Anything that blocks a partner's ability to authentically engage, including substance abuse, can be a competing attachment.
Before working through the book together, ask: Is there anything keeping one or both of us from emotionally participating? Am I afraid that if I say something my partner does not like, they will retaliate and put me in danger? If the answer to any of these is yes, please seriously consider not moving forward.
What does a good enough relationship look like?
A healthy relationship is not a perfect relationship. Perfect relationships do not exist. The difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one is that healthy relationships have space for growth. As Dr. Sue Johnson writes:
Love is a constant process of tuning in, connecting, missing and misreading cues, disconnecting, repairing, and finding deeper connection. It is a dance of meeting and parting and finding each other again, minute by minute and day by day.
You will find this book most useful if you can take the concept of the good enough relationship into your heart. Strive not for perfection, but for improvement.
How is Secure Love organized?
Section One provides an overview of attachment theory and a detailed description of the four attachment styles: secure, insecure-anxious, insecure-avoidant, and insecure-disorganized. Section Two breaks down the human attachment system: attachment needs, core beliefs, vulnerable emotions, and protective emotions, and how they form an attachment trigger. Section Three presents the negative communication cycle, with skills, tools, and scripts to manage, prevent, interrupt, and repair it. Section Four goes beyond stabilization to enhance your emotional bond and solve problems. Section Five addresses common blocks and offers scripted phrases and resources for additional help.
You can read the full book, Secure Love, to work through all of this in a linear, expanded way. If you are new to human attachment, you will understand yourself and your relationship in a new way, one you can never unlearn. Let's get started.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is a self-help book a substitute for couples therapy?
No. Nobody understands more than I do that no book can substitute for high quality couples therapy. I wrote this book to help fill the gaps for couples who cannot find or afford quality couples work, and because I realized couples can be helped outside the therapy room.
What if I am single?
This book can serve as your guide going forward. It will help you enter your next relationship armed with knowledge and skills, and give you a clearer idea of what to look for. Choose a partner who is willing to grow with you.
Want to know where you are starting from before you dive in?