Why Keep Working on Yourself When Your Partner Won't?
QUICK ANSWER
Real relationship change is not a quick fix, it is trust building, and trust is only rebuilt through repeated episodes of something new. Your job is not to change your partner's behavior but to change your own, because you cannot have a secure relationship with anyone until you have one with yourself.
It is one of the hardest questions in a struggling relationship: why should I keep doing my work if my partner is not doing theirs? Here is the case for keeping your focus on your own side.
Why can't you just change your partner?
When working on your relationship, your job is not to change, or to try to change, your partner's behavior. Your job is to change your own. Your job is to give your partner the message, I am going to be doing things differently because of how much I care about the relationship, and about you, and about myself, and then to do it consistently. We would all like our partners to change right along with us, and some will, but that cannot be the goal. Otherwise you are stuck in a different version of the same control dynamic, attempting to change something outside of yourself so that you can feel okay on the inside. That mentality is part of what defines an insecure attachment, a need to over-control to stay safe instead of facing your own feelings.
How is that different from having no control?
Since you absolutely cannot have a secure relationship with anyone until you have one with yourself, the only way out is to place more focus on your own inner growth than on what your partner is doing. This does not mean you have no control over your relationship. It means you do not have control over your partner. Trying to control your partner sounds like:
You are doing x, y, z wrong and you need to change and I'm the only one trying.
Using the control you do have over yourself and the relationship sounds like:
I'm no longer willing to participate in a relationship which feels bad for me, and which isn't good for either one of us. I'm going to work on my part, and give it some time. If the time comes that I believe I've made the changes I need to make to be a healthy partner, and the relationship still feels bad, I'll have to decide whether or not it's something I'm willing to stay in.
Trust rebuilds slowly, through repeated experiences of something new. You can explore more about repair, or go deeper with Repairing After a Negative Cycle or Rupture.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is focusing on myself just letting my partner off the hook?
No. It is the only side you actually control, and it is the only way to build a secure relationship, since you cannot have one with anyone until you have one with yourself.
How fast should I expect trust to return?
Not fast. Trust is rebuilt only through repeated episodes of something new. There is no way around this principle, and it requires time and consistency.
Understand the patterns you bring to the relationship.