Preventing Your Negative Cycle: Chapter 6 of the Secure Love Book Club
Chapter 6: Preventing the Negative Cycle
Why This Chapter Matters
Negative cycles don’t start “out there”; they’re born inside the micro-moments of frustration, shutdown, and mis-attunement. Chapter 6 of Secure Love shows how to prevent those loops by:
Building an attachment-friendly atmosphere
Re-training the nervous system’s Four F responses (Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn)
Evicting shame before it fuels disconnection
Using timing and turn-taking to keep conversations safe
The Power of Attachment-Friendly Interactions
A relationship is simply “a series of repeated interactions.” When we make those interactions safe, we:
Prevent disconnection before it spirals.
Meet attachment needs in real time.
Heal shame & past wounds by replacing threat with attunement.
Pro-tip: Focus on this interaction—not the “whole relationship.” Consistent small wins beat occasional grand gestures.
The Four F’s—And Their Healthy Counterparts
Fight → Assert
Protective intention: “Hear me!”
Secure alternative: State needs calmly and clearly.
Flight → Regulating Break
Protective intention: “Lower the heat!”
Secure alternative: Step away to cool down, then return to finish the conversation.
Freeze → Pause
Protective intention: “Stay safe!”
Secure alternative: Briefly pause, name what’s hard, and stay present.
Fawn → Collaborate
Protective intention: “Keep the peace!”
Secure alternative: Work together on solutions without erasing your own needs.
Pick your dominant reflex, then practice its secure opposite this week.
E-V-I-C-T: How to Remove Shame from Your Home
E – Empathy
Ask yourself: “If I were feeling that, how would it hurt?”
V – Validation
Say: “It makes sense you feel ___ because ___.”
V – Vulnerability
Share the fears, sadness, or shame beneath anger or withdrawal.
I – Influence over Control
Invite change: “Can we explore…?” instead of forcing it.
C – Curiosity
Lead with open questions before making assumptions.
T – Tolerance
Balance concerns with recognition of what’s working well; offer grace for human mistakes.
Timing Is Everything
1 partner shares → 1 partner attunes → pause → switch roles.
Give a few hours (or at least a calm reset) before swapping. Safety rises, defenses fall.
Try It: Your E-V-I-C-T Action Plan
List the 3 skills you use least (e.g., Curiosity, Timing, Tolerance).
Describe what you do instead and its impact on you, partner, relationship.
Script one upcoming trigger and how you’ll replace the old move with the new skill.
Revisit next week—celebrate wins, refine misses.
Continue Your Journey
Courses & Workshops
Community Offerings
Further Reading & Listening
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Learn how to turn everyday interactions into an “attachment-friendly” environment, swap reflexive fight-or-flight reactions for healthy connection, and use Julie’s E-V-I-C-T framework to keep shame (and negative cycles) out of your relationship.