Reaching and Responding: Chapter 7 of the Secure Love Book Club
Chapter 7: Reaching and Responding
Why This Chapter Matters
Secure love doesn’t require perfect communication—it requires recognizable and responsive communication. Chapter 7 of Secure Love shows how to build that by:
Spotting your partner’s “reach” before it’s lost in noise
Responding with presence instead of protection
Reshaping anxious protest and avoidant shutdown into secure engagement
Getting clear on what can’t vs. won’t look like in emotional connection
The Micro-Moves That Make or Break Connection
Every interaction is a fork in the road: am I reaching, responding, or reacting? Small, repeated moments of attunement shape whether your relationship feels safe—or like you’re constantly missing each other.
Learn to ask yourself:
What emotion am I trying to send or soothe?
Is my partner’s behavior actually a reach (even if it sounds like blame)?
What would responding (not fixing or defending) look like right now?
Pro-tip: Even silence can be a reach. Look beyond the words.
Reaches in Disguise
Reaches are how we say: “I want to connect.” But they often show up as the opposite.
Protective ReachWhat It Sounds LikeWhat It Needs InsteadCriticism“You never care.”“I’m feeling alone and scared.”ShutdownNo response.“I’m overwhelmed and need safety first.”Clinginess“Do you still love me?”“I’m looking for reassurance and security.”
Start tuning into what’s underneath the behavior.
Responding: The Missing Piece
A reach without a response falls flat—and repeated misses lead to disconnection. What builds secure attachment is a consistent felt sense of being emotionally received.
Try these secure responses:
Empathize: “That makes so much sense.”
Stay present: “I’m here. Keep going.”
Clarify: “Are you needing comfort or collaboration right now?”
Own impact: “I see how my tone landed. That wasn’t my intention.”
Can’t vs. Won’t: A Critical Distinction
Not all unresponsiveness is avoidant refusal. Sometimes it’s inability. Emotional engagement can feel unsafe to those who grew up without secure models.
If it’s can’t: Build safety, work slowly, name blocks.
If it’s won’t: Clarify boundaries and your need for shared effort.
Ask: Is my partner scared… or simply unwilling to grow?
The answer guides your next step.
Try It: Spot + Respond Practice
This week, choose 1 day to track these three things:
What did your partner say/do that might have been a reach?
How did you respond? (Protective or secure?)
What was the outcome of that moment?
At the end of the day, reflect: What helped? What missed? What might I try next time?
Recommended Resources for Chapter 7
Anxious Attachment Self-Work Course
Learn how to heal your anxious attachment style and how it shapes the way you reach and respond in moments of stress, need, or disconnection.Understanding Shame Workshop
Explore how shame blocks emotional expression and why it’s often behind a partner’s silence, criticism, or shutdown.Relationship Coaching
Work directly with a coach to practice clear, safe reaching and attuned responding in the context of your specific relationship dynamics.Julie’s Biweekly Group
Join live sessions where Julie explores topics like emotional safety, communication, and what to do when connection breaks down.Secure Love Podcast
Hear real couples learn how to reach and respond with vulnerability and empathy, guided by Emotionally Focused Therapy.Attachment Style Quiz
Identify your attachment style to better understand how you seek connection—and what responses feel safest to you.Picture Book: Secure Love Quick Tips
Keep powerful reminders of how to connect, attune, and communicate with your partner on your coffee table or nightstand.
Other Posts You Might Like:
In Chapter 9 of Secure Love, we explore attachment injuries—what they are, how they form, and what it takes to repair them. These moments of relational pain shape our protective strategies, but they also offer an opportunity for deeper connection if we’re willing to stay emotionally engaged.