Are You or Your Partner Selfish?

If So, What’s Going On With That?

To start, nobody is wholly defined as “selfish,” although people behave in selfish ways and some people behave more selfishly than others. However you look at it, selfishness doesn’t help relationships function well.

What Is Selfish?

For this post we’ll define selfish behaviors as those which are inconsiderate of a partner’s needs in service of your own. The operative word is “inconsiderate,” because it’s not always selfish to put your own needs above your partners. What is selfish is a blatant disregard for their needs, with or without intention.

Here are some common reasons why people behave selfishly:

Shame

Shame drives selfish behavior. Here’s how it works. Shame wants to hide itself and it wants to hide other parts of self which are deemed unacceptable. People who are carrying around shame must work very hard to keep their shame at bay. This is their way of staying acceptable in the eyes of themselves and others.

Sometimes they need high amounts of approval and praise to not feel shame; sometimes they simply need to hide parts of themselves. The shame is, in a twisted way, trying to get a sense of connection, but it actually blocks connection because it can drive selfish behaviors.

People who need high amounts of approval from others, for example, might put more energy into being successful in life and creating the right appearance above the needs of others. Or people who need to hide parts of themselves might be overly sensitive to criticism and unable to hear and respond to the needs of others.

The following examples all have shame components.

They Were Never Taught to Consider the Impact of Their Behavior on Others

A lot of people never grew up learning to recognize the impact of their behavior on others. Their parents were either too permissive or overly punishment oriented, and didn’t use mistakes as opportunities to teach about the relationship between self and others.

They learned to “be good” not as a way to work collaboratively in the world, but as a way to avoid punishment or gain approval.

Some people grew up being victimized and now they’re stuck in a victimized role as adults. Victims must have perpetrators, and once someone is labelled as a perpetrator, it’s difficult to consider their needs.

Another version of this is when a person has been treated so poorly that they don’t believe they’re even worthy or influential enough to impact others. Sadly, they view themselves as irrelevant. This too can interfere with recognition of how one’s own behaviors impacts others.

They Manage Their Emotions With Addictions That Come Above Others’ Needs and Their Relationships

Some people manage their emotions with substances or activities. To let go of their addictive behaviors means having to face emotional discomfort like fear, anxiety, grief, and shame. They haven’t learned healthy ways to deal with their feelings, or get help with them, and the addiction becomes the only way they know how to self-regulate.

It’s not that they don’t want to consider the needs of their partner, it’s that they’re trying so hard to keep their heads above water emotionally that they don’t have anything left to give. The addictions are too powerful.

They Are Out of Touch With Their Own Emotions and Have Empathy Blocks

Someone who is hardened to their own emotions will have a hard time recognizing the feelings of others. This interferes with empathy, which interferes with the ability to fully consider the needs of others.

They might not be able to own their own needs, and so go through life impulsively doing what feels right in the moment. Without the ability to clearly define and take full ownership for one’s own needs, it’s very difficult to consider the needs of others.

They Grew Up With Parents Who Didn’t Consider Their Needs

Growing up, they had parents who didn’t consider their needs and that’s just how they learned to do life. They don’t understand the idea of working as a team.

Empathy and teamwork are taught, and one way they’re taught is through modeling. If someone grew up with parents who walked all over them and never at least considered their needs, the odds are high they’ll take those patterns into their adult relationships. They aren’t trying to be bad, it’s just all they know.

They Are Staunchly Independent and Expect Everyone Else to Be Too

Some people have a hard time relying on others. They didn’t grow up in environments where they could safely and consistently rely on others. So they learned to take care of themselves. That’s their survival strategy and since that’s their experience, they assume others are like them.

It’s not that they’re trying to behave selfishly, but they simply don’t know anything different from “we all have to look out for ourselves.”

They Believe Their Way Is the Only “Right” Way

Some people have rigid ideas about the “right” and “wrong” way to do things. Usually high rigidity is fear-based. Flexibility requires one to step out of their own comfort zone into unknown territory, which can feel dangerous and threatening.

They don’t trust flexibility and openness. They can only trust the way they’ve learned to make sense of the world, which gives them a sense of control.

Naturally if their way is the only true “safe” way, they’ll expect others to conform to their way. They might not trust there are other ways to do things that might work out too. Of course expecting others to conform to one’s own idea of “safe” is going to get in the way of fully recognizing the needs of others.

What to Do if It’s You

Give this post some thought. Is there anything you can relate to? If so, how might it be impacting you or your relationships?

Have a talk with your partner, but let them know you need for them to not use your self-reflection against you later.

What to Do if It’s Your Partner

If you find yourself saying things to your partner like “you’re just selfish,” “you only think about yourself,” or anything else that might be shaming or hurtful, see if you can start sharing more about how you’re impacted.

You might say:

“I understand when you’re late it might not be a big deal to you. You’re just going about your day doing the best you can and 15 minutes might not seem that bad, and I get that. At the same time, it’s important to me that you see how I get impacted. I work hard to plan things out a certain way because that’s what keeps my stress levels under control. I’m willing to be flexible at times because that’s life, but when this is a chronic thing, it really gets in the way of my well-being. Are you willing to work with me on this?”

Related Resources

Understanding Shame Workshop
This workshop is a helpful next step if you recognized how shame can drive selfish behavior, defensiveness, rigidity, or difficulty hearing a partner’s needs. It helps you understand how shame blocks connection and how to work with it more compassionately.

Attachment 101 Course
If you want to understand why you or your partner respond to needs, emotions, and conflict in certain ways, this course can help you identify attachment patterns and how they show up in relationships.

Attachment Style Quiz
The quiz can help you identify whether anxious, avoidant, disorganized, or secure attachment patterns may be influencing how you respond when needs, boundaries, criticism, or emotional discomfort come up.

Secure Love Book
Secure Love can help you better understand negative cycles, emotional protection, attachment needs, and how to move toward a more secure relationship dynamic.

Individual & Couples Coaching
Coaching can help you and your partner talk about painful patterns without getting stuck in blame or shame. It can also support you in learning how to consider each other’s needs while still taking responsibility for your own.