Chapter 9: Attachment Injuries and Repair
Attachment injuries can shape how we show up in our relationships long after the original moment of pain has passed. These are the moments when someone we deeply depend on lets us down—whether through disconnection, dismissal, or abandonment when we most needed connection.
If you've ever found yourself reacting with intensity that even surprises you—or shutting down completely in a way that feels hard to explain—there's a good chance an attachment injury is underneath.
In Secure Love Chapter 9, we focus on what these injuries are, how they form, and what it actually takes to heal them, both personally and within the relationship.
What Is an Attachment Injury?
Attachment injuries happen in moments of deep need, when our bids for emotional support are missed, rejected, or met with more hurt. These injuries are rarely about a single event. They're about what that event meant in the context of the relationship:
“I couldn’t count on you.”
“I felt abandoned.”
“You didn’t protect me.”
“You didn’t see my pain.”
The pain of these moments can settle into our nervous systems, shaping the stories we carry about ourselves and our partner.
How We Protect Ourselves
When those injuries go unacknowledged or unrepaired, we often protect ourselves in ways that can create even more distance. We might become critical, demanding, or emotionally withdrawn—not because we don’t care, but because we don’t feel safe.
These protective strategies are often misunderstood by partners, which can lead to even more hurt.
Repairing an Attachment Injury
Repair doesn’t come from logic. It comes from emotional engagement. Real repair happens when:
The injured partner is able to vulnerably express the hurt underneath their protection.
The partner who caused the injury can stay present, validate the pain, and take ownership—not defend or explain it away.
Both partners stay emotionally engaged long enough to co-regulate and reconnect.
This is hard, deep work. But it’s also where some of the most meaningful moments of healing happen.
Individual Work and Relational Repair
Healing attachment injuries isn’t just about what happens between partners. It’s also about how we tend to our own pain, make space for our emotions, and work with the protective parts of us that are trying to keep us safe.
Sometimes, our partner can’t show up the way we need. That’s where self-compassion, boundaries, and community come in. We can do the work of repair internally too, while staying open to connection.
One Step at a Time
If you're aware of an attachment injury in your relationship, you don’t have to rush the repair. Sometimes, just naming it—“that moment really hurt me, and I’m still carrying it”—is the first step toward healing.
Keep doing the work of understanding your protective responses. Get curious, not judgmental. And remember: the goal is not perfection. It's connection.
Watch the Full Chapter 9 Meeting
Resources to Support This Work
Attachment 101 Course:
Learn the basics of attachment theory to better understand how attachment injuries form and influence your relationship dynamics.Understanding Shame Workshop:
Shame often shows up alongside attachment injuries and can block repair. This workshop helps you explore and soften shame so you can stay open to connection.Anxious Attachment Self-Work Course:
If your attachment injury has led to anxiety in your relationship, this course will help you work with the fear underneath and build inner security.Individual and Couples Coaching:
Work one-on-one or as a couple with our coaching team to process past injuries and learn how to reconnect from a secure place.The Secure Love Podcast:
Listen to real couples doing this work in live sessions with Julie, including moments of rupture and repair.Julie’s Bi-Weekly Group:
Join me twice a month to go deeper into topics like healing, connection, and attachment. Group members can ask questions and access all past recordings.The Secure Relationship Picture Book:
A collection of illustrated tips to support daily reflection and keep attachment concepts top of mind in your relationship.
Other Posts You Might Like:
In Chapter 9 of Secure Love, we explore attachment injuries—what they are, how they form, and what it takes to repair them. These moments of relational pain shape our protective strategies, but they also offer an opportunity for deeper connection if we’re willing to stay emotionally engaged.