Understanding Disorganized Attachment
Hi, I’m a partner with a disorganized attachment, and I’d like to share my perspective to help you understand me better. There are two broad categories of disorganized attachment, and mine, often called “oscillating,” leans closer to the anxious spectrum. I’ll share a bit about the other type near the end of this post.
At the core, I’m driven by the fear of abandonment and a pervasive distrust of others, rooted in a fear that people are dangerous. This deep-seated mistrust makes it difficult to feel truly connected, even when I crave closeness.
Disorganized attachment meaning (and what “disorganized attachment style” points to)
When people say disorganized attachment (or search “disorganized attachment meaning”), they’re usually describing an attachment pattern where closeness and fear live side by side. The nervous system wants connection, and at the same time expects it to be unsafe, unpredictable, or painful.
So a disorganized attachment style can look confusing from the outside, and it can feel confusing from the inside too. My system can move toward love, then pull away from it. I can want reassurance, then struggle to trust it when it’s offered.
How My Past Has Shaped Me
People with disorganized attachment often grew up in environments marked by some or all of the following experiences:
I had no way to make the pain of my unmet emotional needs go away. Unlike other insecurely attached children, I didn’t develop strategies to feel better. Nothing seemed to work, leaving me in a state of pain and inner chaos.
My parents may have harmed me emotionally, physically, or even sexually, or failed to protect me from others who did.
Many of us with disorganized attachment have endured abuse, while others faced extreme neglect. Sometimes, our parents were so consumed with their own trauma or chaos that they couldn’t be emotionally present.
Often, my parents would react negatively to my attempts for comfort, through rejection, punishment, or by showing fear or indifference toward me.
My parents’ unresolved trauma meant they couldn’t consistently show up in a healthy way, even if they wanted to.
Growing up in these environments made it difficult to develop the internal resources for self-regulation. Instead, I was left in constant inner chaos, where my need for comfort was repeatedly met with fear and instability.
How These Experiences Show Up in My Relationship
These past experiences manifest in complex and conflicting behaviors in my relationships. If you’re trying to understand the signs of a disorganized attachment style, these patterns are often part of it:
Craving Yet Fearing Connection: I may abandon my partner to avoid being abandoned myself.
Interpreting Conflict as Intimacy: Fighting and drama can feel like the only way to connect.
Trauma Responses: Freezing or running away can occur unexpectedly.
Inconsistent Emotional Responses: I may overreact to minor things and seem indifferent to major ones.
The Impact on My Partner
Disorganized attachment behaviors can be challenging for my partner:
Chaos in Relationships: If both partners have disorganized attachment, cycles of intense fights and makeups may dominate. (If this resonates, it can help to learn how a negative cycle works: https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/relationship-tips/negative-cycle-in-relationships)
Walking on Eggshells: My partner may feel helpless or resentful, trying to avoid triggering me.
Exhaustion: My emotional shifts can leave my partner unsure of what to expect.
Love and Fear: Intense outbursts may create a confusing mix of love and fear for my partner.
If you’re the partner of someone with disorganized attachment, the most painful part is often not the emotion itself. It’s the unpredictability. One moment you feel close, the next moment you feel pushed away. That’s why learning to talk about emotional blocks gently can matter so much: https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/relationship-tips/talk-about-emotional-blocks-in-relationships
How Can I Heal?
Healing disorganized attachment involves these key steps.
Building Trust
Trust is the foundation of healing. As I begin to trust others, I’ll feel less inclined to react with fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. Trust is built in small moments that repeat: consistency, repair, and emotional follow-through.
Seeking Support
Opening up to the idea of receiving support includes:
Rewriting self-beliefs and self-talk.
Healing from past trauma.
Organizing my inner experiences.
Practicing self-regulation.
Building healthy communication skills.
For many people with disorganized attachment, receiving care can feel vulnerable and risky. Even when we want help, our body may brace for it. That is not resistance. That is protection.
Connecting with Myself and Others
As I develop confidence, self-awareness, and empathy, I’ll experience deeper connections with myself and others. This is where the “disorganized” part starts to soften, because my inner world becomes more organized, more grounded, and less driven by fear.
A helpful skill to practice along the way is emotional attunement, both toward yourself and inside your relationship:
https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/relationship-tips/emotional-attunement-relationships
A quick note on the “other” type of disorganized attachment
I shared that my experience is more “oscillating” and leans anxious. The other common presentation can lean more toward shutting down or disconnecting when closeness intensifies. Both are still disorganized at the core because the system is pulled in two directions: longing for connection while anticipating danger in it.
Resources for Healing Disorganized Attachment
If this resonates with you, explore these resources to support your journey:
Secure Love: Learn more about attachment styles and steps to healing.
Attachment 101 Course: Includes an Attachment Style Quiz to help identify patterns and move toward secure attachment.
Coaching Sessions: Work with trained relationship coaches to navigate disorganized attachment.
Understanding Shame Workshop: Address the role of shame in attachment and learn tools to overcome it.
The Secure Love Podcast: Real-time insights into attachment healing and relational growth.
Related reading
FAQ: Disorganized Attachment
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Disorganized attachment is an attachment pattern where closeness feels both wanted and unsafe, so the nervous system uses mixed strategies like pursuing, withdrawing, testing, or shutting down to feel protected.
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It often means a push-pull dynamic: longing for connection and fearing it at the same time. It can look like intensity followed by distance, reassurance seeking followed by withdrawal, or sudden shutdown after closeness.
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“Disorganized attachment style” is another way of describing the same pattern: unstable strategies around closeness, often shaped by earlier experiences where connection felt unpredictable or unsafe.
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Many people use “fearful avoidant” to describe the adult relationship expression of disorganized attachment. The core theme is the same: closeness is desired, and closeness also triggers fear.
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Yes. Healing happens through building nervous system regulation, learning to identify protective moves, practicing soft vulnerability, and creating consistent repair in relationships.
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Stay consistent, use warm reassurance, set kind boundaries, and focus on repair instead of winning. If you’re both stuck in a loop, focus on changing the negative cycle.
“Disorganized attachment may create chaos, but healing begins with trust, self-awareness, and connection to oneself and others.”
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