The DEAR MAN Method for Relationship Conflict

DEAR MAN is a communication tool created by Marsha Linehan (the developer of DBT) to help you express needs, share dislikes, manage conflict, and set boundaries in a way that supports the health of the relationship.

The acronym breaks down like this: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Act confident, Negotiate.

What I like about DEAR MAN is that it gives you a container. When you’re upset, you don’t have to “think on your feet.” You just follow the steps.

DEAR MAN Step-by-Step

D: Describe (Facts Only)

Describe what happened without dragging in the past, overexplaining, or making assumptions about intentions. Then check if the other person agrees with the facts.

Example: “We agreed to talk about a budget by the end of the week. I asked twice to set a time and didn’t get a response. Can you agree that’s what happened?”

E: Express (Impact on You)

Now you name what it does to you, emotionally and practically.

Example: “When we don’t have a budget, I don’t know what to plan for and I feel insecure about our stability. It doesn’t work for me to feel this way.”

A: Assert (Ask Clearly, No Aggression)

State what you need in a direct, non-aggressive way.

Example: “What I need right now is a commitment to a time we can sit down and do this.”

R: Reinforce (Why This Helps Both of You)

Reinforce the benefit: what gets better for both of you and for the relationship. D.E.A.R. M.A.N.

Example: “If we can agree to a time, we’ll both feel better having a plan. It will help me feel closer to you to know my need matters to you.”

M: Mindful (Stay on Topic)

Stay with the one issue. Don’t get pulled into side arguments or old wounds. If the other person gets off topic, your job is to bring it back.

Example response to an attack: “If that’s the way you see it, I can respect that. At the same time, I’m not comfortable with the situation, and what I need to feel better is a set time to talk about it.”

A: Act Confident (Even If You Don’t Feel It)

Confidence here doesn’t mean intensity. It means steadiness: posture, eye contact, and a grounded tone. Having a plan makes this easier.

If you tend to get shaky or scattered, write your DEAR MAN out first and bring notes. That’s not weakness. That’s leadership.

N: Negotiate (Collaborate Without Abandoning Yourself)

Negotiation is where you invite collaboration. You share what you’re willing to do, and you make room for their perspective too.

Example: “I want us to work together on this. I’m willing to work around whatever time works on your end, and I’m open to your ideas. What are your thoughts? What would you be comfortable doing?”

DEAR MAN Scripts You Can Copy

1) When You Need More Consistency

Describe: “We said we’d check in about plans on Sundays, but the last two weeks it didn’t happen.”
Express: “I feel unimportant and I get anxious because I don’t know where I stand.”
Assert: “I need us to pick a consistent day and time and protect it.”
Reinforce: “It helps me relax and show up warmer when I know we’re staying connected.”
Mindful: “I hear that you’ve been busy. I still want us to solve the consistency piece.”
Act confident: “This matters to me, so I’m bringing it clearly.”
Negotiate: “Do you prefer Sunday afternoon or Sunday night? What works realistically?”

2) When You’re Setting a Boundary

Describe: “When conflict escalates, we both start raising our voices.”
Express: “My body goes into panic and I can’t think clearly.”
Assert: “If voices rise, I’m going to take a 20-minute break and come back.”
Reinforce: “That helps us stay respectful and actually resolve things.”
Negotiate: “Can we agree on the break length and what time we’ll return?”

3) When You Need Repair After a Blow-Up

Describe: “Last night we got into it and we both said things we regret.”
Express: “I feel sad and disconnected today.”
Assert: “I want us to do a repair conversation tonight.”
Reinforce: “It keeps resentment from building and helps me feel safe with you again.”
Negotiate: “Would 7:30 work, or do you need later?”

If Your Partner Receives DEAR MAN Badly

Sometimes the moment you get clear, your partner gets defensive. That does not automatically mean your need is “too much.” It often means the conversation is activating shame, fear, or helplessness.

Stay anchored:

• Validate their experience without dropping your request

• Keep your tone steady

• Return to the ask

• Offer negotiation

If the pattern is chronic (you bring needs and they consistently dismiss, stonewall, or punish you for having them), the issue is no longer “communication.” It’s whether the relationship is willing to grow into responsiveness.

How This Connects to Building a Secure Relationship

Security isn’t the absence of conflict. It’s the presence of repair, clarity, and responsiveness over time.

DEAR MAN helps you do something powerful: bring your needs forward without attacking, collapsing, or disappearing. That is how you stop reenacting the same cycle and start building real trust.

Resources from The Secure Relationship

If you want deeper support applying this in your relationship:

• Mapping Your Negative Cycle: learn why your fights repeat and how to name the pattern

• Repairing After a Negative Cycle or Rupture: a step-by-step structure for coming back together

• Attachment 101 Course: understand needs, fears, and patterns (includes an attachment style quiz)

• Secure Love (book): the foundation for building security through attachment-based tools

• The Secure Love Podcast: real examples of conflict, repair, and emotional engagement in action