Anxious Attachment, Codependency, and the Work of Healing

Anxious attachment is not just neediness.
It is the body remembering what it felt like to be unseen, unheard, or emotionally alone and trying desperately to make sure that pain never happens again.

When connection once felt unreliable, the nervous system learned to stay alert. To watch closely. To move toward others quickly. To do whatever it takes to keep closeness intact.

This is not dysfunction. It is protection.

How Codependency Grows Alongside Anxious Attachment

Codependency often develops when love becomes a way to earn safety. When soothing, pleasing, or focusing on someone else feels easier than staying with painful internal experiences.

This usually happens in relationships where there is imbalance, where one person carries more emotional responsibility, more vigilance, and more fear of loss.

Codependency is not about being controlling or weak. It is a self-regulation strategy.

By focusing outward, the body gets temporary relief from feelings that feel too overwhelming to hold alone.

But temporary relief comes at a cost.

Why Acting Out Feelings Doesn’t Heal Them

Anxious attachment often carries the belief:
“If I can just get you close, I’ll feel okay.”

And closeness can help. Connection matters. We are wired for it.

But closeness without grounding cannot hold peace for long.

Unprocessed fear, grief, and shame do not disappear when they are bypassed. They wait. And eventually, they return, often louder, more urgent, and more painful than before.

This is why reassurance never lasts.
Why anxiety keeps coming back.
Why the nervous system never fully settles.

Healing Begins When Feelings Are Felt

Healing anxious attachment does not start with better communication strategies or learning how to say things the right way.

It starts when you stop acting out the feeling and begin feeling the feeling.

You let the wave move through your body instead of turning it into pursuit, control, or self-abandonment.

You give the emotion permission to exist.
You name the fear instead of running from it.
You grieve what you did not receive.

And yes, you need support here. No one heals attachment wounds alone.

But support cannot reach you if you keep covering pain with codependent behaviors that keep the focus outside of yourself.

You Can’t Think Your Way Out of Anxiety

Anxiety does not live in logic.
It lives in the body.

You cannot reason it away. You have to meet it.

Healing requires:

• Gentleness instead of judgment

• Curiosity instead of urgency

• Breath instead of control

• Tears instead of suppression

You have to show up for the feeling rather than asking someone else to make it disappear.

What Anxiety Is Really Asking

When you finally sit with your emotions instead of outsourcing them, clarity begins to emerge.

You start to see that anxiety is not the enemy.
It is the body asking a very old question:

“Am I safe yet?”

For many people, no one ever taught them how to feel safe within their own body. So safety had to be found outside through relationships, reassurance, and proximity.

We all need safety outside of ourselves. That is human.

But to truly find it, we also have to learn how to create safety inside ourselves.

That is the work of healing anxious attachment.

Related Resources

• Attachment 101 Course – Understand how attachment patterns form and how healing happens

• Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course – Learn how to stay with emotions instead of acting them out

• Understanding Shame Workshop – Explore how shame blocks emotional processing and growth

• Mapping Your Negative Cycle – See how anxious attachment and codependency play out in relationships

• Secure Love by Julie Menanno – A compassionate roadmap toward secure attachment

• The Secure Love Podcast – Real conversations about anxiety, attachment, and healing

“Anxious attachment and codependency are not flaws. They are nervous system strategies built to survive emotional pain.”

— Julie Menanno

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