Interrupting Your Negative Cycle: Chapter 5 (Part 2) of the Secure Love Book Club
Chapter Five: Interrupting Your Negative Cycle (Part 2)
Last week we laid the groundwork—triggers, escalation, the “Reframe,” and why interruption (not perfection) is the first milestone.
This week we flipped the script. Instead of another slide deck, we devoted the entire meeting to live Q & A. That meant troubleshooting your exact roadblocks, testing the tools in real time, and capturing new nuances that only emerge when real couples start practicing.
Below is a concise recap so you can revisit the main ideas—or catch up if you missed the call.
1. The Three Big Reminders
Interruption buys time, not resolution. Pausing now keeps the nervous system below the danger zone so deeper repair can happen later.
Take turns or stay stuck. When grievances fly simultaneously, nobody feels heard. Whoever raises the issue first gets the floor; the other partner’s airtime is scheduled—not forgotten.
Safety before strategy. No skill “works” if one partner’s body is still flooded. Co-regulate first (slow breathing, softer tone, eye contact), then use the tool.
Your Top Questions
I self-soothe but my avoidant partner stays distant—so the disconnect lasts longer. What next?
Great job on your growth. His next task is re-engagement practice—share your trigger map, set mini check-ins, and watch the Avoidant Re-Engagement demo together.
He excludes me on father/son outings—how do I survive the three weeks before their trip?
Use “light-and-polite” in shared spaces (low emotional expectations) and plan separate nourishing activities until therapy addresses the deeper betrayal.We broke up but we’re reading the book together by phone—how do we keep momentum?
Stack positive emotional experiences: steady call schedule, strict turn-taking, and brave validation of leftover anger so it can dissolve.I asked for appreciation while I was away; he forgot and said “see a therapist.” What’s up?
That’s an avoidant protection move. Explore his fear of failing you, then show him why noticing daily contributions matters more than outside therapy alone.Every gripe turns into tit-for-tat.
Hold one complaint at a time. Validate fully. Bring your own concern later—not as a rebuttal.Partner disappears for days after triggers—how long do I wait?
Days of no contact is unsafe. Name the boundary (“I need a same-day check-in”) and seek professional help to understand his flight response.First date missed a call, no apology—red flag?
Make it a data point. One miss plus accountability is human; repeated misses signal a pattern.
Relationship-maintenance fatigue—why am I exhausted?
Fatigue often hides grief or anxious hyper-vigilance. Track exactly when energy crashes, map the vulnerable need underneath, and share it.Saying “you feel distant” makes him mad—help?
Lead with curiosity: “I notice myself feeling a gap—what’s happening for you right now?” Empathize with his fear of being misread before sharing your perception.No affection—how do I self-soothe instead of spiraling?
Move the energy (walk, journal, phone a friend), then name the attachment need (“to feel cherished”) and make a gentle ask when both are calm.Does resentment mean we’re doomed?
Resentment shows attachment energy is still present. Validate it, explore its origin, and fix the conditions that keep refilling it. Indifference—not resentment—is the bigger danger.
(We addressed several more questions—watch the replay for full details.)
Homework Between Now and Chapter 6
Finish your Anatomy of a Trigger
– If you stalled last week, block 20 minutes, no distractions, and complete it.Trade maps & compare
– Notice where each partner’s “Move” lands hardest on the other.
– Highlight one place you could realistically pause next time.Practice “light-and-polite” once
– Choose a low-stakes moment when connection feels shaky (e.g., breakfast).
– Focus only on neutral courtesy—no problem-solving.
– Debrief later: Did reduced pressure lower reactivity?
Next Session: Chapter Six—Preventing the Cycle
We’ll skip one week while I travel, then dive into creating an attachment-friendly environment so interruption isn’t the daily emergency.
Until then, keep validating, keep pausing, and remember: every micro-repair is a deposit in the emotional safety bank.
See you soon,
—Julie
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In Part 2 of Chapter 5, Julie ditches the slide deck for a full hour of live Q & A—pressure-testing interruption tools on real couples, unpacking avoidant re-engagement, and prescribing homework that turns resentment into micro-repairs before Chapter 6.