Introduction to Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy
Understanding the Foundation: Attachment Theory Basics
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is built on the foundation of attachment theory, which tells us that humans are biologically wired to connect with others in order to survive and thrive. Dr. John Bowlby pioneered this idea, emphasizing that emotional support and connection from close loved ones regulate our nervous systems and create a felt sense of safety.
Dr. Mary Ainsworth expanded on this through her famous "Strange Situation" study in the early 1980s, categorizing attachment styles as Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized. Later, researchers Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver demonstrated that these styles also apply to adult romantic relationships.
Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg built on this work to develop Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples in 1989, helping partners transform insecure relational dynamics into secure bonds.
History of EFT
EFT was born out of Sue Johnson’s realization that traditional models of couples therapy weren’t working. She studied actual therapy sessions to understand how partners reached for and responded to one another emotionally. Alongside Les Greenberg, Johnson identified key emotional patterns and responses in couples and used them to create EFT—a structured, research-backed approach grounded in attachment theory.
EFT by the numbers:
75% of couples move from insecure to secure.
90% experience significant improvement in their relationship.
Core Principles of EFT in Practice
Process and regulate emotions in the session.
Maintain emotional safety while accessing vulnerable material.
Focus on both internal experiences and relationship dynamics.
Shift habitual patterns, emotional blocks, and rigid defenses.
Create powerful in-session experiences through enactments.
Engage with vulnerability to transform how partners relate.
Goals of EFT
EFT helps partners get unstuck from their negative cycle—a pattern of emotional disconnection driven by core fears and unmet attachment needs.
Common Patterns in the Cycle:
Pursuing/Anxious Partner: Fears abandonment. Tries to fix the relationship by raising issues—often with blame or criticism. The unintended cost? It pushes the other away.
Withdrawing/Avoidant Partner: Fears failure or making things worse. Avoids conflict to keep the peace, but often leaves the partner feeling unheard and alone.
Disorganized Partner: Fears both abandonment and danger. Their behavior may be unpredictable, swinging between anger, shutdown, and confusion.
As couples become aware of this cycle, they build empathy for themselves and each other. From there, they learn to reach vulnerably and respond with emotional engagement, healing attachment wounds and building a secure bond.
Contraindications for EFT
EFT is not recommended when:
Abuse is active.
An affair is ongoing.
Addiction is untreated.
One or both partners are solely pursuing an agenda rather than emotional engagement.
What Makes EFT Unique
Unlike many other attachment-based approaches, EFT:
Has a clearly defined course of therapy.
Prioritizes in-the-moment emotional experiences.
Uses enactments to help partners speak directly to each other from vulnerable states.
Provides a structured way to help couples co-regulate and emotionally bond.
Broad Structure & Session Format
EFT unfolds over three stages:
De-escalation: Identify and understand the negative cycle.
Restructuring Bonds: Practice new emotional experiences and responses.
Consolidation: Strengthen secure patterns and address future challenges.
In a Typical EFT Session:
A therapist selects a meaningful moment from the present or past.
Helps one partner access and process their emotional experience.
Guides them in vulnerably sharing with their partner (an "enactment").
Repeats with the other partner.
Uses interventions and tools to maintain safety and engagement.
As therapy progresses, couples gain capacity for deeper emotional work, developing stronger insight, empathy, and intimacy.
Attachment Needs and Relationship Climate
Attachment needs include feeling:
Valued
Seen and emotionally validated
Wanted physically
Like your needs matter
Trusted and able to trust
Supported emotionally
When these needs are consistently met, the relationship feels safe—even during physical separation. This is the climate of secure attachment.
In insecure relationships, unmet attachment needs create constant emotional tension. Without tools for repair, temporary ruptures (bad weather) can turn into the overall emotional climate.
Emotional Support Skills That Promote Secure Attachment
Speaking from personal experience instead of blame
Empathy and emotional validation
Reflective listening and attunement
Emotional vulnerability and engagement
Physical intimacy and co-regulation
Bids for connection and responsiveness
Balanced caretaking and shared responsibilities
Key Contributors & Resources
John Bowlby: Founder of attachment theory.
Mary Ainsworth: Categorized attachment styles.
Hazan and Shaver: Connected childhood attachment to adult romantic bonds.
Sue Johnson & Les Greenberg: Developed EFT based on these findings.
Recommended Reading:
Related Resources
Attachment 101 Course: Learn your attachment style, emotional patterns, and how they impact your relationship.
Relationship Coaching for Couples: Work with our team of EFT-trained coaches to explore your cycle and deepen your bond.
Understanding Shame Workshop: Shame often fuels the negative cycle. This workshop breaks it down and helps partners reconnect.
Secure Love Podcast: Listen to real-time EFT sessions and learn how couples transform conflict into connection.
Secure Love Book: Learn the framework of secure attachment and apply it to your relationship journey.
Julie’s Bi-Weekly Group: Dive deeper into attachment topics with live teaching and open Q&A.
“You can’t build a secure bond until you understand the emotional pattern that keeps you disconnected.”
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In The Secure Love Podcast, follow real-life couple Melissa and Drew through 20 unscripted coaching sessions. With expert commentary and free homework downloads, you’ll learn how attachment theory can help you transform conflict into connection.