Validating Anger: For Yourself and Your Partner

Validating Your Own Anger

Anger is a natural protective response designed to help us recognize when something isn’t working and motivate change. However, how we react to anger determines whether it becomes a tool for growth or a source of destruction.

Your Anger Is Always Valid, But Your Interpretation Might Not Be

Your anger is trying to tell you something, but that doesn’t mean you always interpret its message correctly—especially in the heat of the moment.

Before reacting, ask yourself:

• Am I angry about the present situation, or is past trauma affecting my response?

• Is there fear or powerlessness beneath my anger?

• Do I need to grieve a loss rather than fight for something unrealistic?

• Do I need to set a boundary or communicate a need?

Step 1: Validate & Regulate Before Reacting

Instead of immediately reacting, practice self-validation and emotional regulation first.

Try saying to yourself:
"Oh, there’s that angry feeling. It’s intense, but it makes sense. My body is trying to protect me. I don’t need to react urgently—I need to listen first."

Regulation techniques:

• Deep breathing to slow your nervous system

• Journaling to process the emotion

• Moving your body (walk, stretch, shake it out)

• Talking to a trusted friend

Once the intensity dies down, then you can decide the best course of action.

Step 2: Listen to What Your Anger Is Communicating

Once regulated, shift your focus to understanding your anger:

Ask yourself:

• Is this anger pointing to a real issue that needs to be addressed?

• Am I assuming bad intent from my partner, or could there be another explanation?

• Do I need to have a direct, healthy conversation about this?

• Is this something I can control, or do I need to work toward acceptance?

Step 3: Make a Plan to Address the Root of the Anger

Once you have clarity, decide how to respond constructively:

If you have control:

• Set a clear boundary

• Express your needs assertively

• Problem-solve with your partner

If you don’t have control:

• Work toward acceptance

• Reframe your expectations

• Focus on personal growth

Validating Your Partner’s Anger

Even if you don’t agree with why your partner is angry, their feelings are still real and deserve validation.

Why this matters:

• Validation de-escalates conflict and makes problem-solving possible.

• It builds trust and emotional safety in the relationship.

• It helps your partner regulate, leading to more productive conversations.

Try saying:
"I get that you're mad. I would feel mad too if I felt unheard."
"I don’t always like how you express anger, but I want to understand what’s underneath it."
"I see that you're upset, and I want to make space for that."

Even if your partner’s anger is misdirected, the emotion itself is valid. Validating first opens the door to deeper conversations later.

Step 4: Address the Root of Your Partner’s Anger

Once your partner feels heard, shift toward problem-solving together:

What might need to happen next?

• An apology for your role in the conflict

• A discussion about boundaries or unmet needs

• A conversation about how anger is being expressed

• Exploring past wounds that may be resurfacing

What to avoid:

• Dismissing their feelings (“You’re overreacting.”)

• Jumping straight to fixing (“Let’s just move on.”)

• Making it about you (“Well, now I feel attacked.”)

Final Thoughts: Anger Is Not the Enemy—Disconnection Is

Most people don’t grow up learning how to navigate anger in relationships. It takes practice, patience, and a willingness to fail and try again.

But when anger is validated, it becomes a tool for:

• Emotional growth

• Stronger relationships

• Healthier communication

What is not validated cannot be explored and helped. Learning to validate anger—both yours and your partner’s—is the first step toward transforming conflict into connection.

Resources for Building Emotional Safety

• Secure Love by Julie Menanno for deeper insights into communication and attachment.

• Understanding Shame Workshop to learn how unprocessed shame impacts anger and emotional regulation.

• Julie’s Group for live discussions on emotional safety and relationships.

• Coaching Sessions for personalized guidance in improving communication and conflict resolution.

“What is not validated cannot be explored and helped.”

— Julie Menanno

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