Identifying Your Attachment Style: Chapter 3 of the Secure Love Book Club
Chapter Three: Identifying Your Attachment Style
Welcome back, and thank you again to everyone who joined our live book club session for Chapter Three of Secure Love. This chapter is such a turning point in the journey—where the ideas of attachment theory start to become deeply personal. We shift from understanding the general concept of insecure attachment to identifying what it actually looks like in our own lives.
One thing I always emphasize: attachment styles aren’t about labels—they’re about patterns. Naming your attachment style isn’t meant to box you in. It’s meant to bring clarity to the emotional habits you’ve developed to stay safe, especially when connection feels uncertain.
You Don’t Have to Fit in a Box
A lot of people worry that they have to figure out exactly what attachment style they are before they can begin healing. The truth is, you don’t. What matters more is recognizing your emotional patterns and responses when you're triggered in relationships.
Whether your behaviors lean anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—or shift between them—you can begin doing the work by observing those patterns with compassion. You’re not broken. You’re adaptive. And the good news is, those adaptations can shift over time.
Behind the Labels: What We’re Really Talking About
Anxious attachment often looks like protest: emotional intensity, fear of disconnection, needing reassurance. Avoidant attachment often shows up as shutting down, becoming emotionally unavailable, or feeling overwhelmed by others’ needs. Disorganized attachment is typically a mix—people who desperately want connection but also fear it. Their internal world often feels chaotic or unpredictable, especially in close relationships.
What’s important to remember is that none of these styles reflect your worth. They reflect your nervous system’s best efforts to protect you. And that means they can be unlearned.
Shame, Perfectionism, and the Roots of Attachment
This week’s discussion touched deeply on the role of shame. One participant shared how they spent their childhood trying to be "perfect" to gain love and approval—and how that same perfectionism now creates tension in their relationship. I explained how perfectionism is often a way to manage anxiety. It’s not about wanting everything to be flawless—it’s about trying to feel safe.
When our partner doesn’t join us in those strategies, it can feel like abandonment. That’s why we need to look under the behavior and ask: What is this trying to protect me from? That’s where healing begins.
Can Early Trauma Impact Attachment?
Another meaningful moment came from someone who was separated from their mother at birth. While I’m not a specialist in birth trauma, we know the first year of life is foundational. Babies develop trust through consistent emotional responsiveness. Even brief early disconnection can impact a developing nervous system—especially if it’s followed by ongoing stress or lack of attunement later in childhood.
Still, early trauma doesn’t mean you're doomed to an insecure attachment style forever. It just means your nervous system might need more support and intention as you build a new relationship with yourself and others.
Healing Is Possible—and I See It Every Day
I was asked whether nervous systems can truly be repaired. My answer is unequivocal: Yes. I've witnessed it countless times. The healing work might involve co-regulation with a partner, individual self-regulation, or the guidance of a professional—but it is absolutely possible.
In fact, I shared a preview of Season Two of the Secure Love Podcast, which follows a couple with intense disorganized and avoidant attachment styles. They were separated for a year before beginning therapy together. Now, after 20 sessions, they’re reconnecting, regulating, and rebuilding safety. It’s not a quick fix—but it is proof that this work works.
Participant Questions I Answered
Q1: Can you heal while still unsure of your exact attachment style?
Yes. You only need to recognize the symptoms and triggers in yourself. Knowing your exact category can help, but it’s not essential.
Q2: How long does it take to heal insecure attachment?
It varies. Think of it like learning a new language—progress depends on where you’re starting and how consistently you engage. Some people build strong foundations in months, others take years. What matters is that growth is possible.
Q3: Is it helpful to separate while doing the work?
Sometimes, yes. When cycles are too escalated to work through together, creating space can help each partner regulate, reflect, and come back with more clarity.
Q4: What if my partner avoids any request or reminder, taking it as a personal failure?
This is often rooted in shame. Your partner may need help distinguishing between a request and a judgment. It’s also helpful to explore whether your delivery could be softened or if deeper perfectionistic dynamics are at play.
Q5: What if sex feels unsafe for me, but my partner sees it as the only way to reconnect?
This is such a common struggle. The key is learning to take turns fully hearing each other without defensiveness. Emotional safety is the path to physical intimacy—not the other way around.
Q6: Can early separation from a caregiver cause avoidant attachment?
It can be one contributing factor, especially if it was followed by inconsistent emotional attunement. But your ongoing environment and experiences play a big role, too.
Q7: What if I feel emotionally disconnected but can’t tell if it’s avoidant shutdown or genuine disinterest in my partner?
It’s a great question. You might need to work on emotional access before you can trust your feelings. Avoidant detachment often masks deeper emotions that need gentle uncovering.
Up Next: Chapter Four
Chapter Four will begin to walk us into the how—what secure relating actually looks like and how we start to shift from old patterns into new ways of showing up. If you’ve been wondering when we get to the step-by-step part, you’re almost there.
Thank you for being part of this journey. Whether you asked a question, shared your story, or simply listened in, I’m so grateful you're here.
See you next week,
Julie
Continue Your Journey
Courses & Workshops
• Attachment 101: From Mystery to Mastery »
• Understanding Shame: The Missing Link to Breaking Negative Cycles »
• Relationship Coaching & Couples Intensives »
Community Offerings
• Julie’s Bi-Weekly Discussion Group »
• Men’s Group »
• Parenting with Security Group »
Further Reading & Listening
• Secure Love Book »
• Secure Love Podcast »
• Secure Love Picture Book »
• Julie’s Recommended Reads »
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In Chapter 3 of Secure Love, we begin one of the most foundational steps in the healing process—identifying your attachment style. In this session, I guide readers through recognizing the patterns that shape how they relate, connect, and protect themselves in relationships. We talk through common questions about mixed signals, overlapping styles, and what to do if you're still not sure where you land. This chapter isn’t about labeling yourself—it’s about understanding the emotional strategies that once kept you safe and learning how to respond to them with awareness and compassion.