4 Tips to Help Your Avoidant Partner Feel Safe
Supporting Growth Without Overwhelm
When your partner has an avoidant attachment style, emotional connection can feel out of reach—but the key is not pressure. It’s patience, trust, and meeting each other where you are.
Here’s how you can help your avoidant partner feel emotionally safe while moving toward secure connection together.
1. Meet Them Where They Are
Nobody goes from emotionally disconnected to fully emotionally aware overnight.
We all start this work at different places. Look for movement, not perfection.
If your partner says something as simple as “I felt sad,” and you’re not used to them talking about feelings at all, say:
“I really appreciate you letting me in. It helps me feel more connected to all of you.”
It’s a start.
2. Help Them Feel Successful in the Relationship
Avoidant partners need to know their efforts matter.
Give them feedback when they get it right, and share how their actions affected you.
This doesn’t mean ignoring problems—but do give plenty of positive reinforcement.
Try saying:
“That felt really good when you just held me instead of telling me how to fix the problem.”
3. Give Them Space When They Need to Process
Avoidant partners often need time to organize their thoughts and feelings.
They’d rather shut down than say something they’re not sure they mean.
Honor both your needs.
Ask yourself:
“What’s so hard for me about waiting right now?”
Feel your feelings—usually fear that if you don’t fix everything now, it will never get fixed.
Let your partner know:
“I’m okay giving you space. Can we come back to this later? When would feel right for you?”
4. Give Them Small Bits of Information at a Time
Avoidant partners want to do better—but don’t want to feel overwhelmed.
They process information differently than anxious partners.
Try not to bombard them with self-help material.
Give small bits and help them feel successful, one step at a time.
Make the information safe by leading with the parts that validate their experience.
Instead of saying:
“We have attachment problems and you're avoidant and we need to fix this and we need to read these books and you need to start sharing your feelings and in your childhood you...”
Try:
“I'd like to read you this paragraph that might help you understand what's happening for each of us when we get in a big argument. It's something to think about.”
Move Toward Secure
This work isn’t about accommodating avoidant attachment.
It’s about working together.
It’s about creating safer, healthier environments that foster growth and security—for both of you.
And remember: all individuals have different ways of feeling safe and loved, no matter their attachment style.
The most successful partners find ways to support each other through that lens.
Related Resources
Attachment 101 Course – Learn how avoidant attachment develops and how to support your partner’s growth
Relationship Coaching – Get help navigating avoidant tendencies in your relationship with guidance from trained coaches
Julie’s Bi-Weekly Group – Join ongoing live conversations on building emotional safety and connection with any attachment style
The Secure Love Podcast – Hear real couples working through avoidant patterns and creating emotional safety
“Look for movement, not perfection.”
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