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Anxious Attachment 101 Chapter Four: How to Heal Anxious Attachment
How to Heal Anxious Attachment
Become “Inner-Focused” First
When triggered, individuals with anxious attachment often react impulsively, alternating between pressuring their partner for change and harsh self-criticism. While these responses stem from valid emotional needs, true healing requires tuning into inner experiences before reacting externally.
Outer-Focused vs. Inner-Focused Responses
Outer-Focused Reaction: Attempting to regulate emotions through external actions, such as repeatedly checking your phone or pressuring your partner.
Inner-Focused Approach: Acknowledging bodily sensations and emotions first, then communicating more effectively and with less reactivity.
For example, instead of fixating on your partner’s lack of response, take a moment to explore the discomfort within yourself. Recognizing your emotions allows you to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.
Self-Regulation
Anxious attachment often develops in childhood environments lacking emotional support, making self-regulation challenging. Learning to self-regulate as an adult involves calming your nervous system and managing triggers more effectively.
Strategies for Self-Regulation:
Somatic Work: Focus on calming bodily sensations to ease emotional distress.
Practice Daily: Start with minor frustrations, like traffic, to build resilience for more emotionally charged situations.
Breathing Exercises: Use deep, mindful breathing to ground yourself when overwhelmed.
Co-Regulation
Co-regulation happens when partners support each other emotionally, creating a safe space for connection. Relationships that foster co-regulation are particularly beneficial for anxious partners.
How to Enhance Co-Regulation:
Plan moments of connection, such as hugging when triggered.
Use soothing touch or intimacy as a bonding tool, if both partners are comfortable.
Practice validating each other’s feelings to maintain emotional safety.
Develop communication skills like active listening and reflecting.
Work on Timing
Anxious attachment often involves a sense of urgency, leading to reactive conversations in heightened emotional states. Waiting until both partners are calm and private fosters more productive discussions.
Make Sense of Your Anger
Anxious partners often alternate between suppressing and reacting impulsively to anger. To handle anger healthily:
Identify its root cause—what validation or change is it seeking?
Sit with the emotion and explore its meaning.
Communicate your anger to your partner in a non-reactive, constructive way.
Be Patient with Change
Lasting change takes time, especially when healing anxious attachment. Instead of expecting instant results, view growth as a process of planting seeds and nurturing them over time.
Communicate Outside of Negative Cycles
Negative cycles often arise in anxious-avoidant dynamics, where emotional intensity meets withdrawal or defensiveness. Break the cycle by:
Expressing your feelings without blame or protest.
Focusing on self-expression, such as sharing how certain actions make you feel.
Collaborating with your partner to address the root issues.
Learn to Trust “Good Enough”
Healing involves accepting that no relationship or partner will be perfect. Trusting “good enough” means giving grace to imperfections while maintaining a healthy balance in your expectations.
Recognizing Emotionally Available Relationships
Healing anxious attachment requires identifying emotionally available relationships. Emotional availability starts with being present with yourself and recognizing the qualities of a healthy, supportive connection.
Signs of Emotional Availability:
Consistent responsiveness.
Open and honest communication.
Mutual respect for boundaries and needs.
For more information on healing anxious attachment or finding professional resources:
Read Secure Love by Julie Menanno for a deep dive into attachment styles and healing insecure attachment.
Join one of my online courses.
Explore traumahealing.org for somatic therapy to help with self-regulation.
“Healing anxious attachment begins with inner focus, self-regulation, and creating emotionally safe connections with yourself and others.”
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Learn how to turn everyday interactions into an “attachment-friendly” environment, swap reflexive fight-or-flight reactions for healthy connection, and use Julie’s E-V-I-C-T framework to keep shame (and negative cycles) out of your relationship.