Cart
undefined
When triggered, individuals with anxious attachment often react impulsively, alternating between pressuring their partner for change and harsh self-criticism. While these responses stem from valid emotional needs, true healing requires tuning into inner experiences before reacting externally.
Outer-Focused Reaction: Attempting to regulate emotions through external actions, such as repeatedly checking your phone or pressuring your partner.
Inner-Focused Approach: Acknowledging bodily sensations and emotions first, then communicating more effectively and with less reactivity.
For example, instead of fixating on your partner’s lack of response, take a moment to explore the discomfort within yourself. Recognizing your emotions allows you to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.
Anxious attachment often develops in childhood environments lacking emotional support, making self-regulation challenging. Learning to self-regulate as an adult involves calming your nervous system and managing triggers more effectively.
Somatic Work: Focus on calming bodily sensations to ease emotional distress.
Practice Daily: Start with minor frustrations, like traffic, to build resilience for more emotionally charged situations.
Breathing Exercises: Use deep, mindful breathing to ground yourself when overwhelmed.
Co-regulation happens when partners support each other emotionally, creating a safe space for connection. Relationships that foster co-regulation are particularly beneficial for anxious partners.
Plan moments of connection, such as hugging when triggered.
Use soothing touch or intimacy as a bonding tool, if both partners are comfortable.
Practice validating each other’s feelings to maintain emotional safety.
Develop communication skills like active listening and reflecting.
Anxious attachment often involves a sense of urgency, leading to reactive conversations in heightened emotional states. Waiting until both partners are calm and private fosters more productive discussions.
Anxious partners often alternate between suppressing and reacting impulsively to anger. To handle anger healthily:
Identify its root cause—what validation or change is it seeking?
Sit with the emotion and explore its meaning.
Communicate your anger to your partner in a non-reactive, constructive way.
Lasting change takes time, especially when healing anxious attachment. Instead of expecting instant results, view growth as a process of planting seeds and nurturing them over time.
Negative cycles often arise in anxious-avoidant dynamics, where emotional intensity meets withdrawal or defensiveness. Break the cycle by:
Expressing your feelings without blame or protest.
Focusing on self-expression, such as sharing how certain actions make you feel.
Collaborating with your partner to address the root issues.
Healing involves accepting that no relationship or partner will be perfect. Trusting “good enough” means giving grace to imperfections while maintaining a healthy balance in your expectations.
Healing anxious attachment requires identifying emotionally available relationships. Emotional availability starts with being present with yourself and recognizing the qualities of a healthy, supportive connection.
Consistent responsiveness.
Open and honest communication.
Mutual respect for boundaries and needs.
For more information on healing anxious attachment or finding professional resources:
Read Secure Love by Julie Menanno for a deep dive into attachment styles and healing insecure attachment.
Join one of my online courses.
Explore traumahealing.org for somatic therapy to help with self-regulation.
“Healing anxious attachment begins with inner focus, self-regulation, and creating emotionally safe connections with yourself and others.”
Old betrayals, lost dreams, and “wasted years” create hidden grief that silently powers the negative cycle. In this preview, Julie Menanno explains how to name and process relationship grief so couples can move out of stuckness and into secure connection—catch the full replay inside Julie’s Group.
Julie Menanno, MA is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, and Relationship Coach. Julie operates a clinical therapy practice in Bozeman, Montana, and leads a global relationship coaching practice with a team of trained coaches. She is an expert in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples and specializes in attachment issues within relationships.
Julie is the author of the best-selling book Secure Love, published by Simon and Schuster in January 2024. She provides relationship insights to over 1.3 million Instagram followers and hosts The Secure Love Podcast, where she shares real-time couples coaching sessions to help listeners navigate relational challenges. Julie also hosts a bi-weekly discussion group on relationship and self-help topics. A sought-after public speaker and podcast guest, Julie is dedicated to helping individuals and couples foster secure, fulfilling relationships.
Julie lives in Bozeman, Montana, with her husband of 25 years, their six children, and their beloved dog. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, skiing, Pilates, reading psychology books, and studying Italian.
Learn how to turn everyday interactions into an “attachment-friendly” environment, swap reflexive fight-or-flight reactions for healthy connection, and use Julie’s E-V-I-C-T framework to keep shame (and negative cycles) out of your relationship.