What Is Your Negative Cycle?: Chapter 4 of the Secure Love Book Club
Chapter Four: What Is Your Negative Cycle?
Welcome back, and thank you to everyone who joined our live discussion for Chapter Four of Secure Love. This chapter marks a pivotal shift in the book. If Chapter Three helped us identify our attachment styles, Chapter Four helps us understand how those styles play out in real-time—with real consequences.
The concept of the negative cycle is at the heart of Emotionally Focused Therapy. It’s the invisible dance partners enter when their attachment needs aren’t met—and it’s the thing keeping them stuck in disconnection.
Your Partner Is Not the Problem—The Cycle Is
This is one of the most important concepts I teach, and it can also be the hardest to accept.
When we’re hurt, rejected, or misunderstood, our nervous systems go into protection mode. We either protest (get louder, demand, plead) or withdraw (shut down, disconnect, go silent). Those reactions—though completely understandable—then become triggers for our partner. And without realizing it, we fall into a repetitive, emotionally painful pattern where each person’s reaction reinforces the other’s pain.
In Chapter Four, I walk through how this works step-by-step. We break down a single triggering moment into what’s happening underneath the surface:
The unmet need
The protective emotion (anger, fear, anxiety)
The outward behavior
And the impact on the partner
Once you can map that pattern, the fight no longer looks like a mess. It starts to make sense.
The Negative Cycle as a Mirror
One powerful moment in our group discussion came from Aminah, who asked what to do when her avoidant side is keeping her from even entering a relationship. Together, we explored what the fear is actually about—freedom? control? vulnerability?—and how the urge to avoid might be a protective response rooted in past pain. When we name that fear and give it compassion, it softens. And when we can assert our needs without shutting down, relationships feel less threatening.
We also touched on something many people ask: What if I’m trying to stop the cycle, but my partner isn’t meeting me there? The truth is, cycles are co-created—but one person’s healing work can begin to shift the dynamic. As I shared during the Q&A, “We’re all responsible for how our behavior impacts the emotional safety of the relationship.” Whether or not your partner is on board, your nervous system can still do something different—and that matters.
Highlights from Our Live Q&A
We covered some deeply important topics during this week’s Q&A. A few standout questions included:
Q1: How does trauma impact the ability to get out of the negative cycle?
Trauma can hijack the nervous system, making it hard to regulate or trust emotional safety. The key is identifying what the trauma response looks like in the relationship—and learning to meet it with support, not judgment.
Q2: What if I feel abandoned after a major rupture, like a health crisis?
That’s not just a trigger—it’s an unhealed wound. You need space to process the event, share how it impacted you, and receive acknowledgment from your partner. When resentment lingers unspoken, it fuels the cycle.
Q3: Can anxious partners do too much self-regulation, leaving their avoidant partner unengaged?
Yes—and when that happens, avoidant partners may assume everything is fine. This is where healthy assertion is essential: “I can take care of myself and still need emotional responsiveness from you.”
Q4: What if my partner just says, ‘It must be hard for you’—but it doesn’t feel sincere?
If that’s new language for them, try to appreciate the effort. But long-term, we need to help that partner connect more deeply with their own emotional world. Real empathy comes from knowing how something feels within ourselves.
Where We’re Headed Next
This chapter is still in the “naming” phase of our work. The steps ahead will walk us toward changing the cycle, healing the shame underneath, and learning how to reach for each other in new ways. If you’ve been feeling like, “Okay, I know the problem—how do we fix it?”…we’re almost there.
Next week, we’ll build on what we’ve learned by looking at the anatomy of a trigger and beginning to recognize what each partner brings to the cycle.
Thanks again for being here and showing up so fully. Whether you asked a question, shared your story, or just took it all in—I’m grateful you're on this journey with us.
See you next week,
Julie
Download the Tools Mentioned in This Chapter
Put what you’ve learned into practice with these free worksheets:
• Anatomy of a Trigger Worksheet (PDF) »
Map your real-time reactions and unmet needs in triggering moments.
• Negative Cycle Mapping Template (PDF) »
Visualize your shared pattern so you and your partner can start shifting it together.
Continue Your Journey
Courses & Workshops
Do You and Your Partner Keep Getting Stuck in the Same Argument? »
A new live workshop with Julie Menanno on May 22 to help you map, understand, and begin shifting your negative cycle—plus Q&A for personalized insight.
Community Offerings
Further Reading & Listening
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Every partner has attachment needs that support emotional safety. Learn how unmet needs and fears drive disconnection—and how to move back toward security.