Testing Your Partner’s Love?
Testing Your Partner’s Love?
When Reassurance Never Feels Like Enough
Do you notice that no matter how much reassurance your partner gives you, it’s never quite enough? Maybe you find yourself zeroing in on what they get wrong rather than what they get right, or feeling demanding of their attention, time, or emotional response. These patterns are often signs of what we call “love testing”—a way your nervous system is trying to find security, even if the methods you’re using are keeping you stuck.
Why We Test
Love testing is not truly about your partner—it’s about your relationship with trust and your own emotional safety. Even if your partner plays a role in your mistrust, the act of testing is a way you’re attempting to find clarity: “If you can meet this one last demand, maybe then I’ll believe you love me.” The trouble is, that day rarely arrives.
Often, this behavior stems from insecure attachment, especially in those with anxious attachment styles. People with this style may choose partners who are actually emotionally unavailable—mirroring the inconsistency they experienced in childhood. Others may have loving, available partners, but their internal mistrust won’t allow them to fully take that love in.
Where It Comes From
Adults with anxious attachment often grew up with caregivers who were inconsistent in their emotional support. These caregivers may have occasionally provided warmth and presence, but not reliably enough to help the child feel secure. This inconsistency teaches children to stay on high alert—hoping for love, but bracing for its absence.
As adults, this can lead to an endless loop of needing reassurance but being unable to trust it.
The Secure Difference
Children whose needs were met consistently (not perfectly, but reliably enough) learned two crucial things: how to meet their own emotional needs and how to find people who could meet them in return. Real security means being able to both ask for and accept support, while also knowing how to self-soothe. These skills are not mutually exclusive—they work together to create emotional stability.
What You Can Do for Yourself
Instead of remaining in the cycle of constant reassurance-seeking, try asking yourself what’s really blocking trust. You may need to reflect on your childhood or past relationships. Journaling can help. So can working with a professional. Understanding your own story is a critical part of healing.
What You Can Do in Your Relationship
Start by asking whether your current mistrust is rooted in the present or the past—or maybe both. Is your partner actually emotionally unavailable? Or are they showing up in ways that feel hard for you to accept? Maybe you’re focusing on how quickly they text back because it’s easier than discussing a deeper emotional disconnect.
Couples often get stuck when they don’t have the words to name what’s happening beneath the surface. Relationship coaching can help identify those blocks and teach both partners how to approach connection and repair more effectively.
Honor Your Mistrust
Your mistrust exists for a reason—it once protected you. It’s not something to shame or ignore, but rather to listen to. If it’s showing up through love testing, it’s trying to tell you something:
Are there past wounds that need healing?
Is there a current problem in your relationship that isn’t being addressed?
Are you afraid of something you haven’t been able to put into words yet?
The first step to healing is stepping away from the testing and listening to what the mistrust is trying to communicate.
Related Resources:
Attachment 101 Course- Deepen your understanding of how early attachment wounds influence trust and emotional availability
Relationship Coaching- Some readers may recognize that their mistrust and testing patterns are deeply rooted and difficult to shift alone. Coaching offers a personalized way to explore these patterns, build secure habits, and improve connection with their partner.
The Secure Love Podcast- Hearing real couples work through trust issues, emotional unavailability, and attachment wounds in real time helps normalize the experience. The podcast gives listeners practical language and a lived-in view of the healing process, which can be both comforting and motivating.
“Your mistrust has something important to say, and it will be impossible to hear what that is until you move away from ‘love testing.”
Other Posts You Might Like:
The emotional patterns you repeat in your relationship often stem from your attachment style. This post outlines common signs of anxious or avoidant attachment.